Don't You Know Who My Daddy Is???? (Pointless Celeb #11)

I think it was always inevitable that Peaches Geldof was going to piss her life away and not do anything with it.  With a Dad who's apparently still living off the royalties of one shit song and a mother who got her jobs on her back and had a penchant for the bad boys, you're not going to have the best work ethic instilled in you, or the most stable of upbringings.  But seriously, how can a person go through 21 years of their life and do NOTHING of note?!?

She’s got single child syndrome, where she thinks the world revolves around her. Why is it that out of all of the Geldof girls, she’s the one happy to spend the rest of her days trading off her surname than be known for having any talent?  If I was one of the sisters I would be pretty pissed that Sir Bob has had to drop everything on more thn one occassion and bail Peaches out of various messes over the past couple of years.  Why is it, the one with the most normal name of the bunch is the one needing to hog the headlines in the family?

Who in their right mind marries a man she’s only known for one month?!?  And then expect us to all be shocked when it hit the skids 6 months later.  Peaches – none of us gave a crap in the first place.  We all knew it was a publicity stunt, but how annoyed must Max Drummry be - not even marrying that vaccuous thing or half a year got Chester French in the charts!!!!

On top of that she's been accused of stealing clothes from designers and boutiques, being rushed to hospital for suspected overdoses and pictures appearing in the press of her apparently handing over money for drugs.  But while most of us in the same situation would have some pretty serious questions to answer, it seems that any trouble that follows her is batted away thanks to Daddy's Visa card!  She'll never learn if people keep pulling her out of the messes she creates.

And when you think she can stoop no lower, we are subjected to pictures of a booze and drug fuelled “love in” with a random stranger.  Brilliant!  To prove the saying “money can’t buy you class”, Peaches decides to act like an Essex slag and pick up Generic Guy #3 she’s known a couple of hours, take him home and think it’s a BRILLIANT idea when he pulls out a camera.  Are you really THAT stupid?!? Did you honestly think he’d keep the photos a secret, or will you stop at NOTHING to get your ugly mug in the press???   I think I already know the answer to that one.

Peaches, please, have a bath, take your hand off the self destruct button and DO SOMETHING WITH YOUR LIFE before you end up just like your mother.

POINTLESS CELEBRITY #11 - Peaches Geldof


H x

I Will NEVER Buy Anything From a Singing Salesman (Pointless Celeb #10)

2010 was the year for rubbish adverts that got you reaching for the MUTE button on the TV remote – a building society pretending they're wacky radio presenters, a Meerkat in a smoking jacket telling us it’s “simples” to get insurance and a farmer version of N DubZ rapping about how dairy is da bomb!

But my full wrath of hatred is reserved for one particular singing salesman who made my life a living hell in 2010….

Everyone has spent the year talking about the fat singer from the car insurance advert – Gio Comparo.  I don’t care if you sing at me in a restaurant, through my letterbox, on a desert island or in an Egyptian crypt – I’M NOT GOING TO BUY ANYTHING FROM YOU!!!!  When the adverts come on I have to leave the room because he scares me so much. 

But not content with ruining my year, he tried to ruin my Christmas by releasing a single too.

Bet X Factor's Matt Cardle was shaking in his boots when he found out he had competition for the top of the charts this Christmas – NOT!  If you are going to cash in on a gimick, make sure it's not a gimick everyone hates.  I would like to know just how many sad bastards out there did buy it though.  I know it's for charity, but just GIVE THE MONEY STRAIGHT TO CHARITY!!!

Considering Gio Compario has been frightening me for the past 12 months, but I know nothing about it, I’ve just googled him to find out who the man behind the mad moustache is….  

Blimey, Gio (AKA Wynne Evans) is actually quite normal!  But when you compare it to the thing that screaches "COMPARE" every five seconds at us, the Elephant Man looks normal!

With a CV full of amazing jobs from working with the National Opera, singing at major Welsh sporting events and radio and TV work that required no costumes or annoying dance moves, you have to wonder why he’s turned himself in the biggest joke of the year?  It can’t just be about the money (I don’t think there’s enough money in the world that would justify making a knob out of yourself in every ad break on every commercial channel!)

But maybe now I know what’s under the costume, I won’t be afraid of the advert anymore.  I still think Gio's a prick though!

POINTLESS CELEBRITY #10 – Gio Comparo

H x

PS The advert’s just come on.  It still has me running for the door.

Hold Me Closer Tiny Dancer – I’ve Got a Stranglehold With Your Name On It (Pointless Celeb #9)

Nothing has shocked, scared and got me as hooked as Amy Winehouse on crack this year quite like Pineapple Dance Studio.  And I know that I’m not the only one.  I remember the time when my Facebook newsfeeds were full of my males friends saying they were getting ready to sit down and watch the newest reality show about a dance studio.  And yes, of course I watched it too!!!

The one person who could get me shouting at the telly within seconds of his gurning face appearing on screen was Louie Spence.

He made me want to rip off parts of my own body, just so I had something to throw at the screen.  But I could never bring myself to change the channel, or let anyone else do it either!  It was like his fluorescent legwarmers had me hypnotised.

This guy both MADE the show and turned it into stuff of nightmares.  With his high kicks, tight tops, and lisp, he was like that annoying child you want to force feed Ritalin to, whether they have ADHD or not.

He made sure the camera was on him 90% of the time and if it wasn’t, he shoehorned himself into shot, normally with a kick so high it got most grown men reaching for their banjo string, mentally feeling the twag!

In reality, Louie Spence is just a dancer.  He doesn’t own Pineapple Dance Studio, he’s just the hired help for wannabe celebs to learn a talent that’ll pad out a CV in between “dead body in Casualty” and “non speaking extra in Coronation Street”.  How pissed must Debbie Moore be?  Her blood, sweat and tears went in to starting the studio, turning it into a multi million pound business, getting her own TV show that’ll film her getting an OBE, only for people to more interested in Louie having to clean up poo from the back doorstep!  BUT IT WAS SUPPOSED TO BE HER SHOW!! Even “Starman” Andrew Stone was left out in the cold and portrayed as a nut job that was so narcissistic he ditched a backing singer because she was better looking than him.  But why did everyone grow to love Louie?  I found him annoying, and much like a little seal pup, needed a good clubbing over the head!

After watching the show, I knew I HAD to go and see the studio when I was in London.  What I hadn’t expected to see was a steady stream of people turning up to have their photo taken outside the studio.  And I lost count of the number of fit men I walked past in Covent Garden who turned to their mate and said “Let’s go see if Louie Spence is working!”  WHAT IS WRONG WITH THE WORLD???

In the show, Louie came across as a needy man child.  Someone, who if they lived in the real world with no camera’s following him, you'd cross the road to avoid or try and get sectioned (but not before pointing and laughing first).  Why does the fact he’s been on TV make him the latest media sweetheart?  He’s been everywhere since the show finished – TV, magazines, radio.  He’s even been “the star in the reasonably priced car” on Top Gear.  WHAT?  He’s not a star.

When Pineapple Dance Studio got cancelled after 1 season, I cheered knowing I wouldn’t have to subject myself to him anymore and then almost instantly became sad and went on the hunt for all the episodes so I could watch them whenever I wanted (I haven’t got them – I managed to stop myself just in time.  Although when the box set DVD comes out, I'm not sure if I'll be able to stop myself then!)

So when we think back to the new celebs of 2010, the one everyone will talk about is the camp dancer with the speech impediment!  Let’s hope 2011 is the year for alpha male celebs so Louie can pack up his lycra and tutu and fade into obscurity.  Maybe become choreographer for the Sugababes when they do their Butlins tour!

POINTLESS CELEBRITY # 9 – Louie Spence

H x

Call yourself a rapper? Ni ni Noooooo (Pointless Celeb #8)

I’ve never understood the success of N DubZ.  Three rapper/singers who look like they’ve just met in the queue at the Post Office, cashing in the pension books of the old biddies they’ve just robbed!  Out of the three of them though, the one that gets my blood boiling instantly is Dappy.  The twat in a hat that looks like he’ll stab you soon as look at you!!!

While N DubZ climbed the charts, my opinion of Dappy plummeted and plummeted. 

Stealing headlines with arrests for assault, making death threats with a gun, acting like a knob on a plane, text message threats to someone who had the guts to tell him he’s a twat, taking meow meow and them being chucked out of Alton Towers for smoking cannabis, just to name a few.  But we’re still happy to have him throwing gang signs at us from our TV screens, instead of throwing the book at him.

This is what annoys me about the imperviable shield of “celebrity”.  If one of use did just a fraction of what Dappy’s done, we’d be locked up, trading cigarettes for phone cards and trying not to drop the soap in the shower.  When celebrities get a caught out, they’re handed a small fine (that doesn’t even come close to their Friday night drug bill) and a slap on the wrists.  Shouldn’t we be making an example of these knobheads???  Instead we say “naughty boy, don’t do it again” and send them on their way back to reoffend once again.  It’s the Pete Dougherty syndrome.  Someone needs to tell them it’s one law for all, just because you’ve had your face on the cover of Smash Hits, doesn’t make you untouchable!

What’s more worrying is that this guy is a dad of two!  What type of woman would let his slapped arse of a face anywhere need her once, let alone TWICE?  Get some self respect girl and get a real man!  When your dad is Dappy, you know you’re going to have one hell of a messed up childhood!

I had the unfortunate job of interviewing N DubZ once – not the girl, thankfully not Dappy, but the other one – I can’t even remember his name, nor care enough to look it up.  I knew that N DubZ weren’t exactly members of Mensa after seeing them struggle to string a sentence together in other interviews.  But what I wasn’t prepared for, was just how thick they really were, when a simple question of “When are you coming back to Wales” was met with “We love the Welsh fans they’re awesome. We’re coming to Belfast in the next few days, that’s in Wales”.  No it isn’t you ‘tard!  And that’s coming from the one member who seems to be classed as “the one with the brains in the band”.

It brings a smile to my face knowing that the N DubZ bubble seems to be bursting – their last few singles failed to get into the top 10, they can’t get into America because of various criminal records  – there isn’t anywhere else they can really go, apart from stacking shelves at Tesco!  What can I say, I guess their “fans” who helped propel them to fame can’t buy CD’s from prison!

I think what pisses me off the most, is the fact that Dappy talks about growing up in “da hood”, how hard his life was in “da hood” and how all his lyrics are real as he wrote them in “da hood”.  His dad was in the rather famous band Mungo Jerry – they were hardly struggling to get money to buy food or presents!  Not to mention the fact he went to the same all boys school as Joe Cole, Michael Gambon and Peter Sellers and has an A* in GCSE English – Dappy from the block he certainly ain’t!

Dappy – you look like a retard, you act like a retard, but it’s time to grow up!  Na na Niiiii!!!!!!

POINTLESS CELEBRITY #8 – Dappy from N DubZ

H x

Having a Tribe of Kids DOESN’T Make You a Celebrity!!! (Pointless Celeb #7)

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Infamy Is Just As Good As Fame, Right?!? (Pointless Celeb #6)

What I hate most about pop culture at the moment is that we give headlines to pretty much anyone, whether they deserve it or not.  You can be an IT girl who does nothing but party 24/7, a one-time reality TV star thinking the world revolves around them or a glamour model who thinks she can be the next Cameron Diaz despite no acting training, you’re guaranteed to have your mug bearing down on the rest of us from the latest glossy magazine at the supermarket.

The one person that I would quite happily use my “One Free Kill” on would be Michelle “Bombshell”  McGee.

This “colourful” character made headlines around the world in 2010 as the person who wrecked Sandra Bullock’s marriage.  The stripper turned model apparently had an 11 month affair with Jesse James after emailing him on MySpace.  How very retro of you Bombshell, don’t you know that all the cool kids are using Facebook!!!

What I can’t understand is why everyone devoted headlines and TV airtime to this multicoloured creature, because, in my opinion, she didn’t even deserve an “And finally..." in the news.  Is this what we’ve come to?  A nation that’s happy to turn sluts into celebrities and parade them in front of our kids as people to look up to?  JUST LOOK AT HER - she’s just a bad cartoon strip!  But then maybe that’s what Jesse wanted – some light bedtime reading!!!

This woman has made thousands hawking her story to the highest bidder, but it’s not even an interesting one - met Jesse, slept with him, sold my story.  From what I read, there was no romance, no walks in the park, just sex a handful of times!  When she sold her story what did she thinking would happen – that she and Jesse would live happily ever after in their tattoo/ motorbike palace far, far away?

I’m not saying that Mr James is innocent in this – it takes two to tango after all.  But how desperate are you to make a few bucks if the celebrity in your gruesome twosome is a Z lister himself!  Have some respect girl – aim higher – at least go for one of the Miami Ink guys!

And why call yourself “Bombshell”?  Is it because your face looks like it was near an A bomb when it went off? 

This “thing” can still be hired to give public appearances and after dinner speeches (!), she’s working on a clothing and accessory line and don’t forget, she can still be hired for modelling (if you don’t mind the massive tattoo on her forehead.)  I’m pretty sure she’s used all of her 15 minutes of fame and should go back to the day job.  I mean, she can’t be a PROPER celebrity, she’s not even got her own Wikipedia page!

Michelle, you’ve taken “tramp stamp” to a new level and proven you really CAN’T polish a turd!

POINTLESS CELEBRITY #6 – Michelle “Bombshell” McGee

H x

Fame Through Hard Work? Nah, I’ll Just Get My Boobs Out! (Pointless Celeb #5)

If there’s ever a case of “girl girl gone bad” it’s American actress Tara Reid.  And I don’t mean bad as in “OMG, did you see her flip off that old man and get into a fight with an 8 year old”, I mean bad is in “smell this carton of milk with added lumps. I’ve been hiding in the back of the fridge for 2 months!”  She stinks!

I remember sitting in the cinema in ’99 watching "American Pie" thinking the only likeable character in the whole film was Vicky; the blonde with the boyfriend who had THAT book!  Back then she had all - girls wanted to be her and the guys wanted to be IN her.  11 years on and I’m now struggling to think of her as a real person.

The last thing of note she did was "Scrubs" in 2005.  Her last six films went straight to DVD and the most interesting thing she did in 2010 was dump a boyfriend no one knew about and cancelled a wedding no one cared about.

The only headlines she gets is when she’s snapped with a boob hanging out of her dress or on a beach with all her surgery scars on show or just falling out of a club three sheets to the wind (normally with a boob hanging out).  I know she’s spent a lot of money on the twins, but someone needs to tell her when your tits look like Edwards Scissorhands’ copped a feel, maybe it’s best to wear a dress with a higher neckline or at least a bra!  For a girl who seemed to have the world at her feet, why did she piss it all away? 

When I heard the only reason she had surgery on her stomach was because she wanted a six pack, it begged the question “Is she retarded, or just acting like a div because she’s in a remake of “What’s Eating Gilbert Grape” and already getting into character?”  After seeing her subsequent behaviour, and the fact there’s been no remake, I’ve concluded that Tara Reid MUST be retarded.

I just can’t understand how she is managing to live.  Her “American Pie” pay cheques must be long gone and she doesn’t hit me as the type of girl to spend hours on the stock market.  Despite once upon a time actually having a craft that could’ve earned her millions, she decided to try and pickle her liver and become Party Girl Extraordinaire. 

But surely it’s not just me that’s getting tired of the Tara Reid Car Crash that is her life?  She seems to be the go-to gal for the press to point and laugh at when Lindsey Lohan’s been locked away.  In effect, Tara Reid’s turned into LiLo’s understudy on how to act like a dick!  I bet her mother is sooooo proud!

Tara – just do us all a favour, get sober, put some bloody clothes on and TRY and remember how to act!  You’ll never get an Oscar, but at least it’ll stop Kristen Bloody Stewart appearing in everything!!!

POINTLESS CELEBRITY #5 – Tara Reid

H x

Jedward – Your 15 Minutes of Fame are Up. BUGGER OFF!!! (Pointless Celeb #4)

My blood ran cold when I read the headline “JEDWARD TO HOST SATURDAY MORNING SHOW”.

There are a handful of celebrities that get my blood pressure rising just by hearing their name.  Jedward is one of them!  If you’ve been living under a rock (or just not taking any notice of the comings and goings in Planet Celeb) you may not have heard of John and Edward Grimes, but chances are, you have.

Before you point out there are two of them, and therefore should be Pointless Celeb #4 & 5, in my opinion, if you willingly join your names together just to save precious seconds in saying “John AND Edward”, you should be treated as one pointless person (plus I can’t tell them apart!)

Jedward, to me, epitomises everything that is wrong with the “I’ll do anything for 15 minutes of fame” brigade.  Why go on a singing competition if you can’t sing?  But then, we (and I use the royal we, as I’m nothing to do with this) encouraged them by keeping them in the X Factor for seven weeks longer than they should have.  And since then, they’ve been circling the celebrity drain refusing to go down the plughole of obscurity, much like the goldfish I had that took 5 flushes before vanishing out of sight.

But why, 12 months after their X Factor series, are they still around?  They’ve released a couple of singles, an album, had a TV series and even did a tour – and it wasn’t to mental homes around the UK!  Who in their right minds would pay to see those two knobheads jump about the stage?

So when the last single bombed and ITV decided that filming paint drying would be a more interesting TV show, I got excited and placed a bet on how many days it would be before they turned up at McDonalds asking if you wanted a Smarties or Crunchie McFlurry with your meal.  But just when you think they are one punch away from a KO, someone is at hand to give them the cheat for maximum health and infinite lives.

In my opinion, Jedward are false celebrities.  No one I know likes them and I’m yet to find anyone who actually bought their album or singles.  Why are they still getting jobs?  More importantly, why are the BBC trying to use my money to turn them into the “next Ant and Dec”?  JUST GET ANT AND DEC!!!!  While my friends and I struggle and get rejected for jobs at Auntie, they want to pay thousands for those two Irish goons. WTF?! 

The only joy Jedward’s given me, was when one of them hurt themselves on stage.  The hours of laughter that reverberated around the walls of Chez Lewis as I repeated the video on YouTube, just to see the agony on his face as his limped around the stage.  It still makes me laugh even now!

But seriously, Jedward can’t sing, can’t dance, can’t act, can barely speak English, yet, much like Jason Voorhees, JUST WON’T DIE!!!  Not even Same Difference managed a career longer than a couple of months post X Factor.  Surely it’s not just the luck of the Irish?  Why do people love them?  Does anyone?  I’ve seen them and I struggle to believe their own mother has anything but contempt for them.  Most boybanders get popular because the girlies fancy them.  If Jedward give you a funny feeling inside, then you are quite clearly mental and need to be sectioned straight away.

Jedward - it’s NOT right and it’s NOT ok.  Get off my TV NOW!

POINTLESS CELEBRITY #004 - Jedward

H x

WTF Is That? Oh, It's Only Lembit! (Pointless Celeb #3)

In Wales, Lembit Opik is known as being a bit of a fool.  Well alright, we don’t need to sugar coat it, he’s a prick!

But he’s not stupid.  He was a Member of Parliament for God sake!  Unlike most of these stupid celebrities, he can actually SPELL “famous”!  So why is he now resigned to whoring himself out to the highest bidder?

Having a media history of appearing on hard hitting TV shows like Question Time, why is it I now have to see his ugly mug on any reality TV show going from eating a kangaroo cock in the jungle to cooking a 3 course meal for other celebs to win money?  The guy must have no shame!

But there always was something not quite right about this man (and not just the way he looks and dresses).  There always was something creepy about how he thought of himself as a celebrity and not a man chosen to help shape the country we live in.  How else can you explain his choice in girlfriends???

First there was Sian Lloyd – weather girl extraordinaire.  What she can’t tell you about a sustained wind speed isn’t worth knowing.  She was wined and dined and as a couple they appeared at showbiz events as the token z listers that no one quite knows who they are or how they got past security!

Then, in what can only be described as his “what the fuck were you thinking?” mid life crisis moment, he hooked up with Cheeky Girl Gabriela Irimia - famous for the song “Cheeky Song (Touch My Bum)” with what could be Ivor Novello award winning lyrics “Touch My Bum, This Is Life.”  The fact she was from Transylvania must have also meant that she was a vampire and must’ve eaten Lembit’s brain, because what the hell was he thinking????? You’re supposed to trade UP in the relationship game!

And now, despite being the ripe old age of 45, he’s dating a 21 year old blonde bimbo called Merily (!)  Maybe this is her “What the fuck are you doing?” moment, or maybe it’s a phase she’s going through to piss her dad off with totally inappropriate boyfriends.  Who knows, and to be honest, who really cares?!?

Lembit, since losing his parliamentary seat in 2010, has put his hands in many pies and now claims that he’s a stand up comic (but when your face is funnier than your jokes you’re onto a loser!), a journalist (in the Daily Sport, where every other word it TITS) and, what must be the proudest career move to date, a jockey in panto! Nice to see the Philosophy degree was worth the money!!!

But despite all this hatred I have for this buffoon, you do have to admire the fuckwit from Estonia – when he was an MP he tried to claim £2,499 for a plasma TV!!!   But when he gives himself the nickname “Puppy Dog”, I think it’s time to take this mongrel to the vet and have him put down!

Seriously Lembit with so many things apparently on the go, with a new addition everyday, what the fuck is it you actually do for a living???

POINTLESS CELEBRITY #003 – Lembit Opik

H x

Getting Famous On Your Back (Pointless Celeb #2)

The worst types of celebrities are those who’ve made their name (and money) from the world seeing them at every angle possible through a shaky hand held camcorder - The Sex Tape!

Pamela Anderson’s had one, Meg White (may) have had one and Paris Hilton still gets a cut from the sales of hers!  But these people were famous/ infamous before they were leaked.  The one person who seems to be happy that theirs catapulted her into the limelight is Kim Kardashian.

Before the tape hit the net in 2007, she was just another hag who came from a rich family, wanted for nothing and dated singers or sports stars.  After the tape, EVERYONE wanted to hear more about her; posing for Playboy, doing interview after interview and then signing up for the awful, yet very addictive, reality show “Keeping Up With The Kardashians” - possibly the most scripted “reality” TV show ever!  The members of the Kardashian/Jenner family get up to something so stupid every episode that you wonder why Darwin hasn’t come knocking on the door to weed out their gene pool!!  Do I watch it?  Of course I do!  I’ve been known to sit for hours at a time watching a Kardashian marathon on E!, or stream episode after episode online.  Why?  I have no idea.  Don’t get me wrong – I watch it shouting at the screen at just how stupid one family can be, but yet if anyone reminds me I can change the channel, they get an ear bashing that I can’t hear the telly over their talking!

What amazes me the most about this woman, is that she’s now a multi million pound “brand” with a clothing store, TV shows clambering over her to get her to appear and getting paid thousands just to “Tweet” a link to the hottest new must-have item in your wardrobe. Not to mention the DVD’s, perfume, shoe and clothing endorsements, slimming pills, cupcakes, books, jewellery, tanning gear and her very own waxwork figure!

But it seems the message for success is “lay on your back for 30 minutes and the rest will fall in your lap!”  Why is America pumping out these false idols into our lives, and why are we worshiping them?  Why am I wasting my time watching this trash?  I can only make the excuse that by watching how dumb they are, makes me feel smarter by proxy.  But I’m smarter than her already – I’ve made a career of my own without having to bend over and suck in my stomach (yet!)

Most of the guys I know have openly admitted they have a thing for KK.  But I’ve seen her sex tape.  I’ve seen all her “redeeming features” in all their glory but I think she’s just a fame hungry ho, who knew EXACTLY what she was doing when Ray J hit the record button.  Her Michael Jackson-esque child like voice doesn’t fool me either.  They only regret she probably has over her sex tape is that she didn’t do it sooner (and that she didn’t use a proper celebrity and not the two bit singer no one cares about!)

But hey, it turns out, you CAN polish a turd and that turd can become a millionaire! Quick, pass me the camcorder!!!

POINTLESS CELEBRITY #002 – Kim Kardashian

H x

What Makes a Celebrity Anyway (Pointless Celeb #1)

When you Google the word “celebrity” the very first image that comes up is of Miley Cyrus.

Apparently when you think of “celebrity” you think of a precocious 18 year old who’s only famous for having a one hit wonder dad, being a rubbish actress, an even worse singer and wearing as few clothes as possible, while being 100% annoying 100% of the time (what’s with the Hannah Montana lisp that Miley doesn’t actually have!?!)

In the past two months she’s hit the headlines for being filmed smoking a bong, been offered a job in porn, been slated for being too raunchy in her videos, split from her on-again-off-again boyfriend and been quizzed over her parents split.  Not to mention the furore that’s surrounded her over the years; risqué pics, posing topless for Vanity Fair, giving a film director a lap dance… the list goes on. 

Is THIS the type of “celebrity” people should aspire to be?

Why should a girl, whose likability factor is akin to that of Myra Hindley’s, have so much press coverage?!  Whenever I’ve seen Miley being interviewed, she’s always come across as a spoilt brat who lives in her own little bubble far, far away from the real world.  She seems to have the maturity of an 8 year old but the bank balance of a 60 year old oil baron.  Yet the tabloids and mags all hold her up as a person every young girl should aspire to be! Surely it’s not just a case of “sex sells”, because there’s not one man I know that has actually said “Miley Cyrus… I so would.” 

Why is she held up as the archetypal celebrity?  Britney Spears has had a fair few controversies in her time and she had the kids and her bank balance taken away from her.  Miley messes up and within a day it’s all forgotten and she’s ready to go out and make even bigger mistakes.

But when you strip away the marketing gimmicks – the dolls, duvets, DVDs, etc, what exactly is the point to Miley?  Surely she can’t just be the “Bully’s Special Prize” that’s paraded in front of Britney in a “look at what you could’ve won if you hadn’t gone bat-shit crazy”.  There's no outstanding talent in that Cyrus DNA!!!

There's only one person that can be blamed for this one dimensional caricature of a real life girl hogging our headlines – Disney.  It just shows, if you throw enough money at something, people are bound to get brainwashed. Disney may know all about drawing mice, but naff all about how to create likeable people who have a natural talent that’ll still be there after everything else moves south!  Don’t get me started on The Jonas Brothers!!!

I, for one, can’t wait to see how the career of Miley pans out when Disney finally tell her to sling her hook, when her looks start to fade and when the next big thing takes up her space on the walls of her fans. 

Miley, can you say “Do you want fries with that?”

POINTLESS CELEBRITY #001: MILEY CYRUS

H x

Celebrity Shmebrity!

I've spent many years pouring over celebrity magazines.  Choosing to spend my last few pounds each month on reading material rather than food.  Hell, I've even made a radio career out of dissecting every little, miniscule thing that happens in Planet Celebrity.  But why?


Why do I care if Miley Cyrus or Eva Longoria wore the same top? So what if two Z listers were seen sitting in a pub together?  And do I really need to know who Rihanna's dating nowadays?  The simple answer is No!  I don't need to know and I shouldn't care.  But I do!


Not only have I parted with enough money on magazines to feed a Third World country, but I spend hours at a time in front of the TV watching all the rubbish celeb reality TV shows I know I should be boycotting.  And my first stops on the internet is always to the plethora of sites dedicated to who's knobbing who, who's shouting at who and who's just getting headlines for the sake of it!


There must be a reason why 90% of my life is consumed by celebrity. I certainly don't want to emulate any them (as if I'd want to change myself into a mini Cheryl Cole!), but it's almost as if I need to mock them and tear them to pieces on a daily basis!!!  Surely this is not normal.  We're programmed to LOVE celebrities.  If you go on a reality TV show you become a People's Princess.  Cheat on your partner and we're supposed to say "Oi you cheeky so and so" and move on.  Me - I hate them all.  Yet I can't get enough of them!


So I'm going to look into why pop culture plays such a big part in my life and why we feel we need to love these two dimensional "characters". 


Celebrities beware.  I'm coming for you!!!


H xx