Hush Your Mouth Plastic Face (Pointless Celeb #32)

Dear LaToya

You are the least talented member of the Jackson family.  Stop trying to hog headlines during the trial into your brother's death by "tweeting", what you must thing are criptic messages, when in fact they are just ramblings of a crazy lady.

If you cared that much about finding justice for your brother you wouldn't be reaching for your mobile every 5 seconds to go on Twitter, PLUS it's never smart to be saying the things you are saying when the trial is ONGOING, especially when you're INSIDE the courtroom!!!!!

Just because you have the Jackson surname, doesn't guarantee you the superstar status your brothers and sisters have, mainly because they have talent and you have none.

Go away.  Now.

POINTLESS CELEBRITY #32 - LaToya Jackson

H x

Tits > Talent to Guarantee You Become a Celebrity (Pointless Celeb #31)

I can't quite believe just how Danielle Lloyd's managed to turn her public image round from dirty racist to doting mother and mouth piece for all things baby.  She did after all tell Shilpa Shetty to "Fuck off home" on TV, but it seems people have forgiven and forgotten after her limp excuse that it was "said it was just said in the heat of the moment".  


Jade Goody didn't get off so lightly in the row, she lost lots of work, Jo O'Meara had some sort of breakdown and Jack Tweed just went back to being the bellend we all knew and hated from before.  Danielle, however, fluttered her eyelashes and everyone just said "you're forgiven".  


Just shows you the power of a great set of tits!

But when it comes down to the crunch, that's all she is - a pair of boobs... and she's as fake as them too!


A former Miss England and Miss Great Britain, she proved she certainly has the brains (or lack of them) to be a pageant princess by unwittingly revealing in an interview that her boyfriend was one of the judges in the competition and couldn't understand it when people were calling her victory a fix!


For the last 5 years she's made a career from posing with all her bits out for lads mags and going on all the "celeb" reality show available in between sleeping with as many footballers as she can.  Classy!


Now that she's plopped out 2 kids in quick succession I doubt the lads mag covers will be making a comeback - her career had drooped as low as her breasts (or as low as her breast WOULD HAVE drooped if they were real) and with no other skill to fall back on I have a feeling she'll be bouncing from one overpaid footballer to the other when this latest one moves on to a newer and younger model, but at least she can bleed this one dry with maintenance money for her sprogs.


Oh one day her uppance will come and she'll be reminded that she's a talentless wench no better than the other WAGs who's only goal is to marry a footballer "'cause they are proper fit and loaded" and I for one can't wait!


POINTLESS CELEBRITY #31 - Danielle Lloyd


H x

"That's Hot".... My Oven I Mean, Go Stick Your Head In It (Pointless Celeb #30)

You may have guessed that I don't like celebrities that are famous for no reason.  But I DETEST celebrities are famous for happily living off the name of their family.  This makes Paris Hilton Public Enemy #1 in my books

Born with the biggest ever silver spoon in her mouth, the dumb blonde has had everything us mere mortals could ever dream of handed to her on a plate and yet she's still lived every single one of her 10,958 days on this planet as a real life Veruca Salt from Charlie and the Chocolate Factory - "I want, I want, I want".  And, as is always the case with parents with too much money and not enough common sense, she got, she got, she got!

What's the deal with that stupid, fake, high pitched, childlike voice?  It didn't work for Michael Jackson, it's not working for you Paris - just talk normally, you sound like a retard!  Why has no one pointed this out to her?

The list of crap she's put her name to to generate income/ cash in on her name is both astounding and quite diverse.... perfume, nightclubs, wine - the only thing that links them together is they all smell off wee!

She's had books (ghost written, obviously), hair extensions and a singing career (damn you Autotune!!!!!)

But there are only 2 things Pairs is famous for - THAT tape and THOSE mugshots.

 

Much like Kim Kardashian, Paris' star rocketed after the release of a dodgy home sex tape.  Whereas most of us would be mortified to know the world has seen our bits in all it's green night visioned, shaky hand cam glory, she has lived up to her slutty image and made millions from laying in her back.

Don't get me started on her brushes with the law.  If one of us pulled the crazy crap that she has we'd be locked away for years, not the 40 odd days she served.  What really boils my blood is that her list of misdemeanours and felonies is quite extensive: drunk driving, driving without a licence, speeding at night with no headlights on and possession of weed and cocaine, not namby pamby stuff that would get you a slap on the wrist!

When she came out of jail in 2007, she promised to turn her life around and start to do things for others less fortunate - it didn't even last a day before she was back to her stupid, dumb ways.

What gets me is that the Hilton hotel empire has been built up through years of hard work and dedication from her great-grandfather, she's not done a single days work, yet will inherit a rather hefty sum of the profits when it's her time, which she will no doubt squander on handbags, booze and drugs.

The only thing I console myself with is, despite all the money, fast cars, designer clothes, Paris will NEVER have any proper friends.  She'll just have acquaintances and hangers on only after the money and perks that comes with hanging out with a Grade A Dumbass.

Paris, there is probably a reason why your "friends" come and go out of your life and why the warranty on your engagement rings last longer the boyfriends that give them to you.  I'm going to take a stab in the dark here and say the reason is YOU!  You are a high maintenance head f**k who doesn't deserve a single penny of your wealth!

POINTLESS CELEBRITY #30 - Paris Hilton

H x

"Walk This Way" to the Dole Queue Ladies (Pointless Celeb 29)

Surely I'm not the only person who's getting sick of the Sugababes.

In the beginning, the fact that they were sullen schoolgirls who looked like they were eyeing you up to mug you for your kidneys to sell on eBay was actually a refreshing change to the bubble gum pop that was saturating the charts at the time.

Then the stories of back stabbing and bitching began, the ginger one left and no one really cared, mainly due to the fact that she was replaced by a cute blonde with perky "assets"......

With Heidi in the group their imaged changed pretty much over night from sullen teens wanting to do you in to sex workers wanting to do you for a tenner!  

It's amazing what a Wonderbra and low slung jeans can do for your career, because after the make over they took the charts by storm and had several number one's (even if what they sang was more like a number two).  It's like their navel piercings were hypnotising a nation as they gyrated around on Saturday morning TV miming totally singing live.  

Then Mutya left and it seemed like the band was in fact playing a real life version of Lemmings, disposing of members left right and centre with nothing more than an "Uh oh" as they vanished and another generic, skanky Barbie doll look alike took their place.  

By the time it care to Keisha's exit, the band had just become a parody of itself with old members fighting new members, people pretending to be outraged that yet again someone had been replaced, while most of us just thought "I didn't even know (or in fact care) that they were still together".  


The row over the name was farcical.  As Shakespeare said, "What's in a name? That which we call a rose by any other name would smell as sweet."  Call the Sugababes what the hell you want - it's still going to be bland, paint by numbers rubbish pop!

Yet another skank was enrolled into the hall of fame and the local college was a wannabe beauty student down!

What is sad about the Sugababes Version 4.0 is that because no one cares about them anymore, they're having to resort to dirty tricks to try and remain relevant.  Earlier this week Heidi almost got her boobs out on live TV when the top she was wearing came open.  How original.  Of course it got them mentioned in all the gossip columns and it was put down to a good old fashioned "wardrobe malfunction".  Hey Sugababes, a "wardrobe malfunction" is when the door on my Ikea unit springing open randomly. What Heidi had was a publicity stunt.  

Come on girls, I think it's now time to admit defeat and pack it in.  I'm sure I saw a "Help Wanted" sign in the window of Lidl's that'll be right up your street!

POINTLESS CELEBRITY #29 - Sugababes

H x

Another Wannabe From the House of Big Brother (Pointless Celeb 28)

While out walking round what can only be described as a flea market, I was rudely reminded of this desperado, as one of the stalls there had a massive board with her face gurning down on us mere mortals, selling her perfume for £2 a bottle! Christ, I bet the Marc Jacobs perfume house must be shaking to their foundations and worried about their sales!!!

Once again, a quick look at her Wikipedia page, she's described as a "Media Personality" (which means WTF do you do for your money???) and a "Model". Gracing the cover of Nuts and Loaded with everything hanging out does not a model make!  I believe the term you are looking for is "SLAPPER".  Especially when the story that goes with said cover shot is along the lines of "I done it with a footballer, I'm proper sexy me!"  Yeah, as sexy as Rose West in an Anne Summers outfit, darling!!


She's been lurking in the shadows since 2007 when she entered the Big Brother house, saying she was a Victoria Beckham lookalike, started a "show-mance" with Ziggy (who kind of looked like a David Beckham doll that had been left too near a radiator and had melted).    


After walking out of the BB House and once the magazine deals had dried up (within a week of her exit) she went down the tried and tested route to keep her "Z lister with no talent" status - by banging footballers.  Selling stories on how Generic Footballer #43758 was great in bed and the best she'd ever had.... until Generic Footballer #43759.  Seriously, it's almost like the  Women's Movement never happened.  What ever happened to earning money OFF your own back, not being ON it?!?


She's since had a baby with Generic Footballer #Not Known, and is happy selling stories on how she's coping as a single mum seeing as he didn't even stick around to see her pop out the fruits of his loins.


Since plopping out a sprog, she'd had to lower her standards.  No longer can she party with the football elite, she's been resorted to bumping uglies with Jack Tweed - another upstanding person of the community!


No one cared about her in Big Brother and no one cares about her now.  She can snap back into shape post baby, the fact is, NO ONE WANTS TO SEE IT ANYMORE - we've seen it all years ago before it sagged, the only thing that's new are the stretch marks round your mouth!


Chanelle.... no matter what you think, you ARE NOT a model. You just have tits and a friend with a camera!  If you want your kid to be proud of you, put your clothes back on and get a job in Tesco.


POINTLESS CELEBRITY 28 - Chanelle Hayes


H x

Who Keeps Hiring Kerry Katona?!? (Pointless Celeb #27)

You can always tell the calibre of person by their Wikipedia job description.  When you are called a "media personality" is means people are thinking "what the hell do you do?"  It's no surprise that Kerry Katona is a "media personality".


She's had more scandals than hot dinners - failed marriages, family rows, drug problems, mental health problems, financial problems.  She's been hired, fired and re-hired yet hasn't actually seemed to have changed in anyway.  Which begs the question..... who keeps thinking it's a good idea to hire Kerry Katona?

She burst onto the scene in 1999 as one third of Atomic Kitten, all blonde hair and boobs and not much else.  It soon became clear, and she ever admitted it herself, that she couldn't sing and after 2 years of constant miming she left after getting knocked up by the fat one from Westlife.


What's so annoying about Katona is that when she was crowned Queen of the jungle she had the world (and us) at her feet.  She COULD have done anything, but instead she got divorced and lost the plot.  Yes, it must be devastating when your hubby falls in love with another woman right in front of your eyes, but she's not the first person it's happened to - Jennifer Anniston didn't reach for the Class A's when Brad left her, Kerry, however, did.


The following 6 years were just a car crash of men, booze, drugs, more kids, thousands of pounds worth of body sculpting, bankruptcy and another divorce, all played out on the covers of the glossy magazines, newspapers, interviews and the obligatory reality tv shows.


And there was THAT interview on This Morning.....

The fact that the whole purpose of the interview was to talk about the thousands of pounds she'd just spent on having things nipped, tucked and sucked out of her body just showed how desperate she had become to get her face on the telly.  As she gurned, slurred and stuttered her way through the interview it should've signalled the end of her "career", but it didn't.  If anything, it helped it - she blamed the rambly, shambolic appearance on her medication for her bi-polar and everyone accepted it without demanding a drugs test to see exactly was coursing through her veins.  Surely this isn't the type of person we want our kids to look up to?

I thought Kerry had hit rock bottom when the video of her sniffing something that wasn't talcum powder in her bathroom appeared on the net.  She was dropped from most of her work contracts and no one wanted anything to do with her.  I honestly thought she had finally been kicked out of the celeb coop and was on her way back to earth with a bump - could Poundland be getting a new cashier?  Oh how I wished I'd get her asking me if I wanted fries with my burger or to go large for an extra 20p, but her 15 minutes hadn't quite been drained of every last second and much like a Call of Duty character, she respawned and came back stronger and willing to do ANYTHING!  Chat shows, magazine shoots, game shows and, of course, a reality tv show following her every move.


The thing about Katona is, that despite all this "reinvention" we all know that underneath there's a very "troubled" girl waiting to break out and I can't be the only one who's waiting for her to fall off the wagon because it is going to be monumental!  Until then, looks like we're stuck seeing pictures of Kerry turning up to the opening of the envelope, seeing as she's got no other talent to pay the bills.


Kerry - the poster girl who had it all and lost it all.... and will never get it back!  Be warned kids - drugs aren't big or clever and if you take them you'll end up miming Atomic Kitten sons for the rest of your life!!!


POINTLESS CELEBRITY # 27 - Kerry Katona


H x

Big Brother's Bitchier Sister.....

Big Brother is back!  Read about it here

http://bigbrothersbitchiersister.blogspot.com/

What’s Geordie For “Ideas Above Your Station”?!?! (Pointless Celeb #26)

Oh how I laughed when I heard the “BREAKING NEWS” on the radio that Cheryl Cole had been sacked from The X Factor USA.  Were we all supposed to be shocked that the American’s saw through her Bambi eyes, big hair and dimples and realised that there’s not an ounce of talent running through the Geordie’s veins?!?!

Now before I get hate messages from people demanding I apologise to our “People’s Princess”, I’ll be the first one to admit I USED to like Cheryl.  Out of Girls Aloud, she was always my favourite, but then she seemed happy to trade in her “talent” and carve a career for herself as a victim!

Oh No, her footballer husband cheats on her, she gets lots of public sympathy but takes him back.  He cheats on her AGAIN, and once again people rush to her aid – Poor Cheryl!  Her whole solo career has been based on people feeling sorry for her.  It’s no co-incidence that both albums were released during or straight after it was revealed Ashley’d been caught playing away from home!!

She was bloody awful as a judge on The X Factor – bland doesn’t even come close, but for some reason Cowell seemed to think that the sun shone out of her backside.  Yes she won it twice, but she had the categories that were most likely to win – young boys and young girls!  A monkey in a dress would’ve won if he was given those categories!

You can’t help but think that Cowell didn’t actually want to take Cheryl to America.  He probably said he thought she’d be good on it in passing, but actually had no intention of following it through (come on, we’ve all done it – how many times have you said to someone “We should meet up for a drink” with no intention of ever setting a date?!?). 

You can’t blame Cowell for Cheryl getting fired.  How many of us would’ve accepted a job after months of being messed around, being told you MIGHT have a role but only if Rihanna and Katy Perry and anyone else we can think of turns us down?  HAVE SOME SELF RESPECT GIRL – she should’ve said if she wasn’t first choice then she didn’t want the job! Now Cheryl’s had a massive wakeup call and come back to earth with a bump. The UK may have fallen for her sob story, but the rest of the world doesn’t give a crap – they want to see real talent, which she is seriously lacking! 

Time to go back to the day job and get the other four fish wives out of retirement and get Girls Aloud back together.  It’s funny how all stories of rifts and arguments will now be forgotten now Cheryl doesn’t have any other form of income and they’ll all be loving each other and hanging out trying to fool us into thinking they were BFF’s all along!  And just wait, in a few months Cheryl and Ashley will be reunited and the glossy magazines will be filled with stories of how she only ever wanted to be with Ashley and didn’t ever want to go to America because she would’ve missed him.

Oh and FYI – if you are ever called a “People’s Princess” you should know by now that you are doomed – Princess Diana, Jade Goody and now Chezza’s career have all met the same ending!  But hey ho, all fair in love and showbiz!

POINTLESS CELEBRITY #26 – Cheryl Cole

H x

Sob Story of the Century (Pointless Celeb #25)

If you’re from Wales you’ll know Imogen Thomas for being a fame hungry former Miss Wales, if you’re from the UK you’ll know Imogen Thomas as a fame hungry Big Brother contestant and if you’re from anywhere in the world you’ll probably know her as the fame hungry hussy who’s had an affair with a married footballer, but can’t sell her story and get mega bucks because he’s hidden himself behind a super injunction!

This Z lister is a fully subscribed member to the “famous for being famous” club.  And as with all Z listers she has a dodgy home sex tape, has appeared on the front page of every lads mag out there with her knockers out and been photographed on the arm of many a famous sports personality trying to become the latest WAG, but always failing!

I’ve never liked Imogen – she’s just too try-hard and desperate.  Always chasing the next magazine spread or newspaper cover, setting up photo shoots to make it look like she’s been “papped”, when really, who the hell would be following her normally?!?  She is no better than the kiss-and-tell girls that fill the Sunday papers in the UK with their stories of how they managed to pull a famous football player while out partying in the newest club in London – slags through and through and I detest every single one of them!  But it’s a sad state of affairs when you’ve been famous for 5 years, but not be known for doing anything of note except sleep around!

When news broke a few weeks ago that Imogen had been caught out seeing another footballer, I just rolled my eyes and said “not another one!”  Except this one wasn’t like all the rest, because this one did not want to  linked to Imogen in anyway and got himself to the lawyers quick sharp and got a super injunction to protect him with Harry Potter's cloak of invisibility so we’ll never know who this family man  is!   

But considering she’s gagged and not allowed to sell her story, I’m getting a bit sick and tired of seeing her face pretending to be sad peering down from every glossy magazine out there, on the TV with her crocodile tears, proclaiming that she loved her footballer and thought they would be together forever and ever….. whatever love!  We don’t fall for it one bit!  I’d quite like to know just how much money Ms Thomas has made from interviews talking about a story she can’t ACTUALLY talk about.

I do feel a little sorry for her though – I may not like her, but I do pity her.  Since the “I shagged a married man” scandal hit the headlines her reputation has hit an all time low and could affect her ability to work (if you call turning up to the opening of an envelope work!) How will she pay her bills?  When you’re painted as the scarlet woman all over town, how are you expected to get giggs?!?!?!

POINTLESS CELEBRITY #25 – Imogen Thomas

H x

Who’s The Daddy??? Well, YOU Are Seeing As You Can’t Keep It In Your Pants (Pointless Celeb #24)

Kevin Federline to become a dad for the fifth time?  How come this wasn’t top story on the News At 10?  Oh yeah, that’s right, because no one cares about the Douchebag Daddy anymore!

What amazes me is that despite the fact he looks like a hobo, hasn’t done a days’ work in his life and is known for being a playa, women still find him a catch!  I’ve seen his latest arm candy… she’s a poor man’s Britney Spears, but still a looker none the less!

When he came crashing (or should that be CASHING) into the public consciousness in 2004 he looked like the twat that got the cream on the arm of Britney, but let’s be honest, she only chose him to get back at Justin Timberlake for dumping her!  Had JT and her stayed together K Fed would still be a struggling dancer and would never have made THAT rap album!

I watched the Kevin and Britney reality show ‘Chaotic’ (hell I even bought it on DVD!)  I saw them “fall in love” during Britney’s Onyx Tour.  Even I could see that it was never going to be the greatest romance story of all time.  How the editor didn’t add $ signs to Kevin’s eyes in post production I’ll never know – he’s obviously a better man than me.  If you never saw ‘Chaotic’, it was an MTV show where, for eight 30 minute episodes, Britney became Kevin’s personal ATM and his meal ticket to the big time.  He must’ve been living everyday like he was taking part in the ‘Make A Wish Foundation’ – anything he wanted he got!  Clothes – check, cars – check, holidays – check, record an album – check.  The only thing Spears’ money couldn’t buy him was a bit of CLASS!

What I found funny, was that as soon as Bank Of Britney closed its doors for the last time and kicked his ass to the curb, Kev then decided that he’d like to try his hand at work – funny that!!!  But, it wasn’t as if he went out and got a proper job to help pay the bills – he tried to become a wrestler!!!  I can think of other words beginning with W that can be used to describe Feds, but Wrestler wouldn’t be one of them!

But no matter how big of a dick I think K Fed is, I am thankful to him for one thing – he made Britney more interesting.  Now we know that underneath the blonde hair and boobs there’s a CRAZY ASS PSYCHO just waiting to come out and play.  For that, Kev, I salute you… but kindly crawl back under the rock you came from and disappear.

POINTLESS CELEBRITY # 24 – Kevin Federline

H x

WTF is Vagazzlling anyway?!?! (Pointless Celebs #23)

Dear The Cast of "The Only Way Is Essex"

You’re all a bunch of chavvy, orange, talentless TWATS. 

I will NEVER watch your show. 

Fuck Off.


POINTLESS CELEBRITY #23 - The Cast of "The Only Way Is Essex"

H x

“What a Waster, What a Fucking Waster” (Pointless Celeb #22)

There’s a lot that I could write about Jade Goody, but as she’s dead, I don’t fancy being called heartless and nasty (being called a prick by a Jedward fan once was enough!).  But let’s be honest, her whole family have come from the shallow end of the gene pool.... including her mother – Jackiey Budden.

Much like her daughter, I don’t think there's anything this “thing” wouldn’t do to get in the papers – lesbian, straight, bisexual, coke-head, benefit cheat, bar brawler… You name it, she’s probably done it (and arranged to be snapped by the paparazzi in the process).

What really pisses me off about this oxygen thief is that she has free makeovers and haircuts, free plastic surgery, goes on holiday left right and centre and spends all her benefit money on drugs!  Yes, I know she’s had an accident and can’t work – boo hoo, from the stories that came out when Jade first became famous, Jackiey was a waste of space before the accident so I doubt her nearest and dearest noticed any difference post crash.

Jackiey’s downfall, just like Jade’s, was going into the Celebrity Big Brother house with a chip on her shoulder and a feeling of belonging.  Jackiey – you never have been and never will be a celebrity and you certainly weren't fit to be locked in a house with the legends that you were!  Once a scumbag, always a scumbag.

It’s been just over a year since Jade died, and instead of marking it quietly with her family, Jackiey invited the camera back into her life to film her preparing to get married.  She was happily trying on dresses and cavorting with her fancy man, not mentioning Jade once or seeming in anyway upset that her only child has been 6 feet under for the past 12 months.

As mothers go, I’d say she’s on par with Sue Katona as the shittest mum in the world.  No wonder she’s not allowed to see her grandkids – I wouldn’t want her anywhere near me if she was part of my family.

Jackiey – do us all a favour, crawl back under the rock you seem to hide under most of the time and actually STAY THERE.  I’m sick and tired of picking up the Sunday papers every 5 to 6 weeks to see you’ve sold another story just to top up your bank account.  We didn’t like your daughter, we like you even less!!!

POINTLESS CELEBRITY #22 – Jackiey Budden

H x

Father of The Year Condender? No, No, NO!!! (Pointless Celeb #21)

If your daughter is slowly killing herself on every drug under the sun, the first thing you’d do, as a worried parent, would be to march her ass straight to rehab to get help.  Not, however, if you are Mitch Winehouse.  If you’re Mitch, the first thing you do is ring the press to do an interview!!!

Here is a man who’s happy to sell every skeleton hanging in his family’s wardrobe just to get his ugly mug in the paper.  When Amy Winehouse needed help the most, did Mitch honestly think that talking to Scott Mills on the radio and doing endless TV interviews would help her in anyway?  When she needed a specialist doctor to work with her, why did he agree to make a TV show about her life giving a camera crew access all area to her and also help write a book where he invited the author on holiday to see Amy getting clean?  Simple – cash monies.  With record labels and management teams already treating Amy like a cash cow, surely her Dad would treat her differently and not just see the pound sign above her head?  Nope, I bet talking about her troubles paid his mortgage!

When Amy Winehouse first burst onto the scene she was touted as the hottest new voice in the UK.  She didn’t really talk about her family, only slagging off her dead beat, taxi driving dad through a handful of songs because he’d left her mum.  But when Mitch turned himself into the Winehouse spokesperson he tried to become Saint Mitchell of Southgate, but by then we’d all got the measure of him – a man so desperate to raise his own profile, no member of his family or topic was off limits and everything was shared just for the sake of a couple of quid.

Don't get me wrong, he played the part of the “worried father” quite adequately.  I mean, it’s not Oscar worthy, but to the untrained eye, you can understand why people have said in the past “Ahh, poor Mitch, must be hard having a junkie for a daughter.”  Hell, even I did it for a nano second.  But then my sympathy dried up when it was revealed he’d managed to secure himself his own TV show and released his own album and singles.  Those are not the actions of a man spending every waking moment worrying about his daughter!

Mitch, you are just a cabby who’s sperm produced an alright singer.  Let’s be honest, if we took away the drugs, the criminal ex-hubby, the excess drinking and public brawling we’d probably be sitting here saying “Amy Winehouse who?”, confining her to the one hit wonder bin along with all the rest of them.  All the controversy made Amy more interesting, but it made Mitch seem like a Stage 5 cling-on.  Posing for photo sessions with the paparazzi and turning up to premieres all the while sharing with us what Amy had got up to that day!

Mr W, You are NOT a celebrity.  Round our way you’d be ostracised for selling out your family the way you did – you certainly wouldn’t be hailed a “celebrity”.  Now Amy’s clean I’d like to see how long the interest in Mitch lasts – the number of interviews he’s done has already greatly reduced.  I would love it if he had to return to the black cab from whence he came. 

Mitch, reality’s calling, it’s time to go back to the day job and leave the singing to your daughter.  There’s only room for one Winehouse, and it ain’t you!

POINTLESS CELEBRITY #21 – Mitch Winehouse

H x

Pratt By Name, Pratt By Nature (Pointless Celeb #20)

My God I hate Spencer Pratt.

Putting the Douche into Bag since 2006! 

I never watched, or cared about MTV’s The Hills or the cretins that it spawned.  I did a pretty good job of never seeing a single episode, that was, until it finished in 2010.  I decided to finally give it a go, acquired every single episode of all six seasons and watched them back to back in a darkened room.  It was the best summer of my life!

I was already aware from my friends that Spencer Pratt was a wrong ‘un, having had to sit through them dissecting each episode with “just LOOK at what he’s doing to Heidi”, “He’s CRAZY” and “Why can’t she just say NO!!!!!”, not actually understanding, at the time, what they were talking about. 

When I started watching the show, I decided to make my own mind up about Spencer but when he showed up in series 2 as Heidi Montag’s new boyfriend, it took me about 2 seconds before I started shouting “NOOOOOO HEIDI, NOOOOOOOO” at the TV.  How can a guy so deluded about his own self importance live on a day to day basis without someone saying “hey dude, you’re a dick”?  If I saw him walking down the street I’d have to punch him square in the face, and continue punching until a police man pulled me off his limp, lifeless body. 

The man has no redeeming features.  How could you NOT hate Spencer,? Some of his best work includes; going for a vasectomy behind his new wife’s back (even though he chickened out), alienating all his and Heidi’s friends and family, causing Heidi to lose her job, telling his own sister she was dead to him, threatening his sister in law and threatening the MTV crew!  If any of us acted the same way he has over the years we would’ve had our faces smashed in or chased out of town by an angry mob.  Because no one has called him up on his bad behaviour, instead seemingly applauded him by turning him into a cover star, he thinks he can get away with it.  My God, I’d love just five minutes with the freak – I’d tell him everything everyone seems to be too frightened to.

When he got chucked off the show in the middle of the sixth series it was because of his threatening behaviour.  But what got my blood running cold was a couple of episodes before, Spencer was on camera saying that he had banned Heidi from having a mobile, using the internet and watching TV to make sure she was “logged out of the Matrix”.  Translation – I control my because and I don’t want her reading stories on how big a prick I am because she’ll divorce me.  He’s a one man cult in bad clothes.

What gets me is that he has no talent.  From what I saw from The Hills he has never had a job, so where does his money come from?  He. just like every other pointless celebrity, he walks around thinking it’s his God given right to be on the front of magazines and on TV shows.  The reality is he’s a spoilt little three year old brat in a 27 year old’s body.  How can this guy be classed as a celebrity????

At the end of 2010, he was declared bankrupt, and, in my opinion, it couldn’t have happene to a nicer person.  People who think they can live the life of an A lister on the wage of a Z lister need their comeuppance and I’m so glad he’s starting to get his – a big black mark against his name for a good few years!  No credit cards, no store cards, no credit full stop!  The only thing I can’t understand is that after finally getting a backbone to leave him, Heidi is now back with him, so he's going to leech off her for the rest of her life and never have to grow up and get a real job.

POINTLESS CELEBRITY #20 – Spencer Pratt

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I’m Sure You Used To Have A Purpose (Pointless Celeb #19)

It’s not very often that a celebrity with a purpose can change into a pointless hanger on, but Carol Vorderman is fast becoming THAT celebrity!

Ms Vorderman used to be known at the UK’s brainiest woman. 

What this gal couldn’t do to numbers wasn’t worth knowing.  She also made many a teen boy’s childhood by being able to talk science and do experiments with them.  At the height of her fame, teenage girls wanted to be her (hell, I wanted to be her!) and teenage boys would get a funny feeling just looking at her (but didn’t know what it was!)

She WAS Countdown; adding up, taking away, multiplying and dividing in the blink of an eye, handing out vowels and consonants with a smile.  Where did it all go wrong Carol? 

I know!  She got divorced.

While married she was always Miss Prim and Proper - knee length skirts and high neck tops or even a fierce business suit or two.  But when she split from her hubby in 2000, she started dressing like your older, embarrassing sister trying (and failing) to hold on to her youth.  And sometimes it WASN’T pretty.  Sometimes it was mutton dressed as lamb with the boobs and legs hanging out of a dress she’d just poured herself into.  That’s NOT what we wanted from our “telly mum”!!!!  I know, being a mature woman back on the dating scene must suck and you have to make an extra effort to find the next suitor, but the woman who used to make having a day off school worthwhile, turned into a cougar overnight even before cougar’s were cool (are cougar’s really THAT cool anyway?)

She started vamping it up, caking on the makeup and adding the fake hair, eyelashes and tan so no one could take her seriously anymore.

I do think that Carol was unfairly given the bum’s rush by Channel 4 – replaced after 23 years by a 22 year old whippersnapper.  But with her brains, she could’ve got another job straight away, putting her talents to use, but instead she’s gone down the route of being THAT woman to turn up to the opening of an envelope as long as the envelope has VIP on it.  The boobs and legs are still out, and for a 50 year old, you have to give it her, she IS a foxy lady, but what’s happened to your brain’s Carol? 

She’s been on many TV shows trying to show how much of a laugh she is by taking the piss out of herself, but she's no longer the “telly mum” I remember from my youth.  Now Carol Vorderman is no better than an IT girl still trying to keep the party going even though it’s about 30 years too late.

Her fall from grace was pretty brutal, but she could’ve comeback bigger and stronger than before, sticking her fingers up to the channel execs who thought she was too old for telly, and we would've backed her, but now she seems happy to be held up as the person Paris Hilton will turn into in 20 years.

Carol, please  get a job that actually uses your brain again, because the way you’re going, you’re just a couple of months off becoming a regular hag on Loose Women – you used to have a point but right now you’re pretty pointless.

POINTLESS CELEBRITY #19 – Carol Vorderman

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Hey Little Rich Kids (Pointless Celebs #18)

Trash TV is my guilty pleasure. 

Trash TV has, in the past, made me change my plans of an evening to make sure I don’t miss the next edition of a mind-numbing show that reduces my IQ by 10% every 5 minutes I watch; “My Super Sweet 16”, “16 and pregnant”, “Laddette to Lady” – the crapper the concept, the more likely it is to have me hooked within seconds. It’s a love hate thing – I love to watch them and hate myself for it!

My new guilty pleasure is MTV’s Teen Cribs…

I’ve spent the past few years dipping in and out of the show, only managing 10 minutes at a time before getting envious of these precocious brats just because they have fireman poles instead of stairs, a self cleaning bathroom or a cinema room bigger than my local Odeon.  How can my 4 bed terrace in a quiet cul-de-sac compare to that?

But lately, I’ve found myself sitting in front of the TV watching episode after episode, shouting at the rich kids gurning their way through a whole 30 minutes as they show you around their Daddy’s home looking like the cat that got the cream.  But that’s just it, IT’S YOUR DAD’S HOME.  Your Dad is the one with the money to buy the self opening oven, heated toilet seats and chandeliers made from the frozen tears of Ethiopian babies.  You're just one lucky son of a bitch to be born into that family. 

I’m pretty sure all the kids on the show will NEVER actually work a day in their lives, instead coasting through life wanting to be “an actor”, living off Mummy and Daddy’s allowance, waiting for them to kick the bucket so they inherit everything.  Once you realise they are just wasters with a Platinum Visa, it’s a bit easier to handle, because you can just laugh at how deluded they are.

What annoys me it that MTV are treating and encouraging them to act like an A Lister as they ramble on about why their walk in closet is the size of my entire house and why they simply HAD to have the brand new Bentley in pink to go to prom, always trying to convince us they are the new Usher or Missy Elliot.  I even saw one episode with a 14 year old girl showing MTV around her “outside grotto that’s exactly like the Playboy mansion’s”.  YOU’RE 14.  YOU SHOULDN’T KNOW ANYTHING ABOUT PLAYBOY OR WHAT GOES ON IN THEIR GROTTO!!!!  And if your grotto is anything like Hef's, you may want to take a trip to the nearest STD clinic, because I don't think chlorine can save you!

What really pisses me off the most is how the privately educated, want-for-nothing, spoilt brats think they can pretend their “street” by throwing gang signs at the camera, calling their cleaner their “homie” and their mates, who just happen to be at the house on the day of filming, their “party crew”.  YOU CAN’T BE STREET – LOOK AT YOUR HOUSE – IT TAKES YOU 15 MINUTES TO WALK TO THE STREET FROM YOUR FRONT DOOR.  And then, more often than not, it’s a gated street in a gated community.  You are about at street at Prince William mate!

I’d love MTV to do the follow up show “When Teen Cribs Grown Up, Get Cut Off From Daddy, Thrown Out Of The Mansion And Have To Live In The Projects”.  Now THAT’S a reality TV show I’d watch religiously!!!

POINTLESS CELEBRITY #18 – Anyone that’s appeared in Teen Cribs

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Nothing But a Clothes Horse With a Temper (Pointless Celeb #17)

I’ve always thought that Naomi Campbell’s a prick.  And she’s done nothing over the past few years to change my opinion that she’s a prick.

No one should ever idolise a clothes horse that’s only famous because she fell on her arse on the runway many years ago when she was trying to walk in platform shoes – walking’s not exactly hard love.  If that hadn’t happened, I’m pretty sure no one would even know her name or remember her today.

She is a vile, self obsessed hag who, for some unknown reason, is classed as a supermodel.  The only thing super about her is the size of her ego.  And this ladies ego is writing cheques her talent can’t cash!

As well as being a vapid clothes hanger, she’s also been in trouble with the law - hauled to court no less than 5 times in the past 6 years because of her temper - hitting assistants, maids, flight attendants and even a police constable.

Naomi’s weapon of choice for most of her temper tantrums is a mobile phone.  Is she stupid? If it was back in the 80’s when phones resembled bricks and gave you back ache as you carried them around, then maybe she’d be on to a winner.  But mobile’s are getting smaller and lighter – they can’t do any damage!  I’m sure she would leave more of a mark using her fist.  Plus I bet the phone company got sick of her ringing all the time asking for a replacement handset because hers was broken…. again!

Should we really be holding her up as a celebrity and a role model when she thinks it’s OK to lash out and hit people when she doesn’t get her way?  And then there’s always the drugs.

What is it that makes these people think that they are entitled to openly break the law and take illegal substances and still think it OK to have teenagers look up to them?  Just because your face is on a magazine and you are invited to the best parties around, it doesn’t give you the right to break the law.  It’s not a different rule for you just because people know your name!!!

And just when we thought she was keeping her nose clean (pun intended), she’s named in a court case against war crimes because she was allegedly given blood diamonds from Charles Taylor, the former President of Liberia, after going to an event with him and Mia Farrow.  I love the fact that Mia ratted her out saying that she’d bragged to her that she’d been given a bag of jewels.  Goes to show you have NO friends in showbiz!  Naomi claimed that she gave the diamonds to the Nelson Mandela Children Fund, yet the charity, at first, denied they were given any gems, but then changed their story and a said they had them and were keeping them safe.

It was Naomi’s manner when called to court that made her a lot of new enemies.  I know that it can’t be nice being hauled in to give evidence in a trial of a person you know, despite the fact she’s probably used being inside a court room, but she waltzed in wearing shades, even though it wasn’t sunny and she was inside and acted like a diva/moron.

Naomi, when you’re summoned to court trial for allegedly being given illegal blood diamonds, DON’T tell the judge that it’s a “big inconvenience” to you - it makes you look like a bigger c**t than you already are.  Think of the people who had to mine them in the first place and how they were treated you stupid bitch.  What did it interrupt, a trip to the hairdresser?  It's not like you actually DO anything with your life.

Since then, she’s become persona no grata and really has been laying low!  Maybe she’s got the hint, although I doubt it.  She’ll probably raise her ugly head out of the water, just like Jaws in all those bloody movies, and show that there’s life in the old dog yet!  I’ll have to make sure I’m washing my hair when that happens!

POINTLESS CELEBRITY #17 – Naomi Campbell

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She’s Living The Dream…. We’re Living a Nightmare! (Pointless Celeb #16)

Big Brother has unleashed an army of talentless wannabes who parade themselves across the TV and in every glossy magazine out there with a false sense of importance.  The last few series of the show even saw people openly admit they were only on the show to get famous and sell out, despite having no talent whatsoever.

The one person who gets me shouting and screaming whenever she’s on the TV or the cover of a magazine or anywhere else she can shoehorn her massive nose is Chantelle Houghton. 

As is the norm with any Big Brother candidate, she’s thick as pick shit, has a voice of a fish wife and just because she looks a bit like Paris Hilton, she thinks she can act like her too.  What was different with Chantelle was that she took part in "Celebrity Big Brother", even though she wasn’t a celebrity.  Those pesky Big Brother execs sure know how to spice up a TV show just enough to be able to flog it for a few more years!

She had to pretend that she was in a girl group even though she was tone deaf (mind you when did that stop Atomic Kitten?)  And just to show how far up their own arses the celebrities were, they all fell hook line and sinker for her sham without really questioning her.  They more interested in hogging camera time for themselves to care about a little blonde Essex chav.  It goes to prove my theory that celebs live in their own little bubble away from the world where everything revolves around them and they don't care about anyone else but themselves.  Jackasses!

The thing that made her a little bit interesting was the fact that she started to fancy and flirt outrageously with another housemate – a singer in a rather unknown band, who at the time had a long term partner!  Somehow, she ended up winning the show and pocketing £250,000 in the process!  Chantelle turned into a media sweetheart overnight.  She had her own TV show, appeared on any other show that’d have her, became a columnist (which is ironic, because I doubt she can even spell the word) and wrote her own autobiography!

And surprise, surprise, when the singer realised he was getting no headlines of his own, but Chantelle was getting loads, he dumped the long term girlfriend, hooked up with Chantelle and married her within a few months.  Together they hogged the headlines for being one of the dopiest couples around!  And when the marriage hit the skids after 10 months (because no one cared anymore) we were all supposed to look shocked and NOT say “told you so”.  Rumours were that he went back to the long term girlfriend for a bit - what a surprise!

Just when it looked like Chantelle was migrating to the celebrity graveyard filled with ex soap stars and any designer that appeared on "Changing Rooms", Big Brother had to go and spoil it all by saying something stupid like “Ultimate Big Brother”.  Pitting ALL the fuckwit contestants of the show over the years against each other to find the ultimate toss pot.  Of course Chantelle went back in – and so did the ex husband.  And the will they, won’t they love story started all over again….

… except this time we really didn’t give a crap.  And neither did he.  Even though Chantelle revealed she still had feelings for him, he strung her along, saw that she didn’t win this time, saw we didn’t care about her or any of them and then dumped her all over again. And then, once again, she was EVERYWHERE, playing the hard done by ex (while pocketing handsome pay cheques for every time she sold her story and her soul.)

You do have to give it to her though, because despite not actually doing a proper job for the past 5 years, she’s supposed to be a millionaire. 

Chantelle epitomises EVERYTHING that’s wrong with the celebrity obsession we have.  There are people looking up to her and aspiring to be her, yet she’s actually done NOTHING with her life.  How about idolising someone with at least half a brain people?

Chantelle’s a one trick reality star happy to hog headlines that paint her as the hard done by victim, wanting  and willing people to pity her.  But now Big Brother has been cancelled, what's she going to do to get her face back on the TV?  I suppose there's always "The Weakest Link", come to think about it, opening boxes on "Deal or No Deal" is more her intellectual level!

POINTLESS CELEBRITY # 16 – Chantelle Houghton

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