"That's Hot".... My Oven I Mean, Go Stick Your Head In It (Pointless Celeb #30)

You may have guessed that I don't like celebrities that are famous for no reason.  But I DETEST celebrities are famous for happily living off the name of their family.  This makes Paris Hilton Public Enemy #1 in my books

Born with the biggest ever silver spoon in her mouth, the dumb blonde has had everything us mere mortals could ever dream of handed to her on a plate and yet she's still lived every single one of her 10,958 days on this planet as a real life Veruca Salt from Charlie and the Chocolate Factory - "I want, I want, I want".  And, as is always the case with parents with too much money and not enough common sense, she got, she got, she got!

What's the deal with that stupid, fake, high pitched, childlike voice?  It didn't work for Michael Jackson, it's not working for you Paris - just talk normally, you sound like a retard!  Why has no one pointed this out to her?

The list of crap she's put her name to to generate income/ cash in on her name is both astounding and quite diverse.... perfume, nightclubs, wine - the only thing that links them together is they all smell off wee!

She's had books (ghost written, obviously), hair extensions and a singing career (damn you Autotune!!!!!)

But there are only 2 things Pairs is famous for - THAT tape and THOSE mugshots.

 

Much like Kim Kardashian, Paris' star rocketed after the release of a dodgy home sex tape.  Whereas most of us would be mortified to know the world has seen our bits in all it's green night visioned, shaky hand cam glory, she has lived up to her slutty image and made millions from laying in her back.

Don't get me started on her brushes with the law.  If one of us pulled the crazy crap that she has we'd be locked away for years, not the 40 odd days she served.  What really boils my blood is that her list of misdemeanours and felonies is quite extensive: drunk driving, driving without a licence, speeding at night with no headlights on and possession of weed and cocaine, not namby pamby stuff that would get you a slap on the wrist!

When she came out of jail in 2007, she promised to turn her life around and start to do things for others less fortunate - it didn't even last a day before she was back to her stupid, dumb ways.

What gets me is that the Hilton hotel empire has been built up through years of hard work and dedication from her great-grandfather, she's not done a single days work, yet will inherit a rather hefty sum of the profits when it's her time, which she will no doubt squander on handbags, booze and drugs.

The only thing I console myself with is, despite all the money, fast cars, designer clothes, Paris will NEVER have any proper friends.  She'll just have acquaintances and hangers on only after the money and perks that comes with hanging out with a Grade A Dumbass.

Paris, there is probably a reason why your "friends" come and go out of your life and why the warranty on your engagement rings last longer the boyfriends that give them to you.  I'm going to take a stab in the dark here and say the reason is YOU!  You are a high maintenance head f**k who doesn't deserve a single penny of your wealth!

POINTLESS CELEBRITY #30 - Paris Hilton

H x

Who Keeps Hiring Kerry Katona?!? (Pointless Celeb #27)

You can always tell the calibre of person by their Wikipedia job description.  When you are called a "media personality" is means people are thinking "what the hell do you do?"  It's no surprise that Kerry Katona is a "media personality".


She's had more scandals than hot dinners - failed marriages, family rows, drug problems, mental health problems, financial problems.  She's been hired, fired and re-hired yet hasn't actually seemed to have changed in anyway.  Which begs the question..... who keeps thinking it's a good idea to hire Kerry Katona?

She burst onto the scene in 1999 as one third of Atomic Kitten, all blonde hair and boobs and not much else.  It soon became clear, and she ever admitted it herself, that she couldn't sing and after 2 years of constant miming she left after getting knocked up by the fat one from Westlife.


What's so annoying about Katona is that when she was crowned Queen of the jungle she had the world (and us) at her feet.  She COULD have done anything, but instead she got divorced and lost the plot.  Yes, it must be devastating when your hubby falls in love with another woman right in front of your eyes, but she's not the first person it's happened to - Jennifer Anniston didn't reach for the Class A's when Brad left her, Kerry, however, did.


The following 6 years were just a car crash of men, booze, drugs, more kids, thousands of pounds worth of body sculpting, bankruptcy and another divorce, all played out on the covers of the glossy magazines, newspapers, interviews and the obligatory reality tv shows.


And there was THAT interview on This Morning.....

The fact that the whole purpose of the interview was to talk about the thousands of pounds she'd just spent on having things nipped, tucked and sucked out of her body just showed how desperate she had become to get her face on the telly.  As she gurned, slurred and stuttered her way through the interview it should've signalled the end of her "career", but it didn't.  If anything, it helped it - she blamed the rambly, shambolic appearance on her medication for her bi-polar and everyone accepted it without demanding a drugs test to see exactly was coursing through her veins.  Surely this isn't the type of person we want our kids to look up to?

I thought Kerry had hit rock bottom when the video of her sniffing something that wasn't talcum powder in her bathroom appeared on the net.  She was dropped from most of her work contracts and no one wanted anything to do with her.  I honestly thought she had finally been kicked out of the celeb coop and was on her way back to earth with a bump - could Poundland be getting a new cashier?  Oh how I wished I'd get her asking me if I wanted fries with my burger or to go large for an extra 20p, but her 15 minutes hadn't quite been drained of every last second and much like a Call of Duty character, she respawned and came back stronger and willing to do ANYTHING!  Chat shows, magazine shoots, game shows and, of course, a reality tv show following her every move.


The thing about Katona is, that despite all this "reinvention" we all know that underneath there's a very "troubled" girl waiting to break out and I can't be the only one who's waiting for her to fall off the wagon because it is going to be monumental!  Until then, looks like we're stuck seeing pictures of Kerry turning up to the opening of the envelope, seeing as she's got no other talent to pay the bills.


Kerry - the poster girl who had it all and lost it all.... and will never get it back!  Be warned kids - drugs aren't big or clever and if you take them you'll end up miming Atomic Kitten sons for the rest of your life!!!


POINTLESS CELEBRITY # 27 - Kerry Katona


H x

“What a Waster, What a Fucking Waster” (Pointless Celeb #22)

There’s a lot that I could write about Jade Goody, but as she’s dead, I don’t fancy being called heartless and nasty (being called a prick by a Jedward fan once was enough!).  But let’s be honest, her whole family have come from the shallow end of the gene pool.... including her mother – Jackiey Budden.

Much like her daughter, I don’t think there's anything this “thing” wouldn’t do to get in the papers – lesbian, straight, bisexual, coke-head, benefit cheat, bar brawler… You name it, she’s probably done it (and arranged to be snapped by the paparazzi in the process).

What really pisses me off about this oxygen thief is that she has free makeovers and haircuts, free plastic surgery, goes on holiday left right and centre and spends all her benefit money on drugs!  Yes, I know she’s had an accident and can’t work – boo hoo, from the stories that came out when Jade first became famous, Jackiey was a waste of space before the accident so I doubt her nearest and dearest noticed any difference post crash.

Jackiey’s downfall, just like Jade’s, was going into the Celebrity Big Brother house with a chip on her shoulder and a feeling of belonging.  Jackiey – you never have been and never will be a celebrity and you certainly weren't fit to be locked in a house with the legends that you were!  Once a scumbag, always a scumbag.

It’s been just over a year since Jade died, and instead of marking it quietly with her family, Jackiey invited the camera back into her life to film her preparing to get married.  She was happily trying on dresses and cavorting with her fancy man, not mentioning Jade once or seeming in anyway upset that her only child has been 6 feet under for the past 12 months.

As mothers go, I’d say she’s on par with Sue Katona as the shittest mum in the world.  No wonder she’s not allowed to see her grandkids – I wouldn’t want her anywhere near me if she was part of my family.

Jackiey – do us all a favour, crawl back under the rock you seem to hide under most of the time and actually STAY THERE.  I’m sick and tired of picking up the Sunday papers every 5 to 6 weeks to see you’ve sold another story just to top up your bank account.  We didn’t like your daughter, we like you even less!!!

POINTLESS CELEBRITY #22 – Jackiey Budden

H x

Father of The Year Condender? No, No, NO!!! (Pointless Celeb #21)

If your daughter is slowly killing herself on every drug under the sun, the first thing you’d do, as a worried parent, would be to march her ass straight to rehab to get help.  Not, however, if you are Mitch Winehouse.  If you’re Mitch, the first thing you do is ring the press to do an interview!!!

Here is a man who’s happy to sell every skeleton hanging in his family’s wardrobe just to get his ugly mug in the paper.  When Amy Winehouse needed help the most, did Mitch honestly think that talking to Scott Mills on the radio and doing endless TV interviews would help her in anyway?  When she needed a specialist doctor to work with her, why did he agree to make a TV show about her life giving a camera crew access all area to her and also help write a book where he invited the author on holiday to see Amy getting clean?  Simple – cash monies.  With record labels and management teams already treating Amy like a cash cow, surely her Dad would treat her differently and not just see the pound sign above her head?  Nope, I bet talking about her troubles paid his mortgage!

When Amy Winehouse first burst onto the scene she was touted as the hottest new voice in the UK.  She didn’t really talk about her family, only slagging off her dead beat, taxi driving dad through a handful of songs because he’d left her mum.  But when Mitch turned himself into the Winehouse spokesperson he tried to become Saint Mitchell of Southgate, but by then we’d all got the measure of him – a man so desperate to raise his own profile, no member of his family or topic was off limits and everything was shared just for the sake of a couple of quid.

Don't get me wrong, he played the part of the “worried father” quite adequately.  I mean, it’s not Oscar worthy, but to the untrained eye, you can understand why people have said in the past “Ahh, poor Mitch, must be hard having a junkie for a daughter.”  Hell, even I did it for a nano second.  But then my sympathy dried up when it was revealed he’d managed to secure himself his own TV show and released his own album and singles.  Those are not the actions of a man spending every waking moment worrying about his daughter!

Mitch, you are just a cabby who’s sperm produced an alright singer.  Let’s be honest, if we took away the drugs, the criminal ex-hubby, the excess drinking and public brawling we’d probably be sitting here saying “Amy Winehouse who?”, confining her to the one hit wonder bin along with all the rest of them.  All the controversy made Amy more interesting, but it made Mitch seem like a Stage 5 cling-on.  Posing for photo sessions with the paparazzi and turning up to premieres all the while sharing with us what Amy had got up to that day!

Mr W, You are NOT a celebrity.  Round our way you’d be ostracised for selling out your family the way you did – you certainly wouldn’t be hailed a “celebrity”.  Now Amy’s clean I’d like to see how long the interest in Mitch lasts – the number of interviews he’s done has already greatly reduced.  I would love it if he had to return to the black cab from whence he came. 

Mitch, reality’s calling, it’s time to go back to the day job and leave the singing to your daughter.  There’s only room for one Winehouse, and it ain’t you!

POINTLESS CELEBRITY #21 – Mitch Winehouse

H x