Tits > Talent to Guarantee You Become a Celebrity (Pointless Celeb #31)

I can't quite believe just how Danielle Lloyd's managed to turn her public image round from dirty racist to doting mother and mouth piece for all things baby.  She did after all tell Shilpa Shetty to "Fuck off home" on TV, but it seems people have forgiven and forgotten after her limp excuse that it was "said it was just said in the heat of the moment".  


Jade Goody didn't get off so lightly in the row, she lost lots of work, Jo O'Meara had some sort of breakdown and Jack Tweed just went back to being the bellend we all knew and hated from before.  Danielle, however, fluttered her eyelashes and everyone just said "you're forgiven".  


Just shows you the power of a great set of tits!

But when it comes down to the crunch, that's all she is - a pair of boobs... and she's as fake as them too!


A former Miss England and Miss Great Britain, she proved she certainly has the brains (or lack of them) to be a pageant princess by unwittingly revealing in an interview that her boyfriend was one of the judges in the competition and couldn't understand it when people were calling her victory a fix!


For the last 5 years she's made a career from posing with all her bits out for lads mags and going on all the "celeb" reality show available in between sleeping with as many footballers as she can.  Classy!


Now that she's plopped out 2 kids in quick succession I doubt the lads mag covers will be making a comeback - her career had drooped as low as her breasts (or as low as her breast WOULD HAVE drooped if they were real) and with no other skill to fall back on I have a feeling she'll be bouncing from one overpaid footballer to the other when this latest one moves on to a newer and younger model, but at least she can bleed this one dry with maintenance money for her sprogs.


Oh one day her uppance will come and she'll be reminded that she's a talentless wench no better than the other WAGs who's only goal is to marry a footballer "'cause they are proper fit and loaded" and I for one can't wait!


POINTLESS CELEBRITY #31 - Danielle Lloyd


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Another Wannabe From the House of Big Brother (Pointless Celeb 28)

While out walking round what can only be described as a flea market, I was rudely reminded of this desperado, as one of the stalls there had a massive board with her face gurning down on us mere mortals, selling her perfume for £2 a bottle! Christ, I bet the Marc Jacobs perfume house must be shaking to their foundations and worried about their sales!!!

Once again, a quick look at her Wikipedia page, she's described as a "Media Personality" (which means WTF do you do for your money???) and a "Model". Gracing the cover of Nuts and Loaded with everything hanging out does not a model make!  I believe the term you are looking for is "SLAPPER".  Especially when the story that goes with said cover shot is along the lines of "I done it with a footballer, I'm proper sexy me!"  Yeah, as sexy as Rose West in an Anne Summers outfit, darling!!


She's been lurking in the shadows since 2007 when she entered the Big Brother house, saying she was a Victoria Beckham lookalike, started a "show-mance" with Ziggy (who kind of looked like a David Beckham doll that had been left too near a radiator and had melted).    


After walking out of the BB House and once the magazine deals had dried up (within a week of her exit) she went down the tried and tested route to keep her "Z lister with no talent" status - by banging footballers.  Selling stories on how Generic Footballer #43758 was great in bed and the best she'd ever had.... until Generic Footballer #43759.  Seriously, it's almost like the  Women's Movement never happened.  What ever happened to earning money OFF your own back, not being ON it?!?


She's since had a baby with Generic Footballer #Not Known, and is happy selling stories on how she's coping as a single mum seeing as he didn't even stick around to see her pop out the fruits of his loins.


Since plopping out a sprog, she'd had to lower her standards.  No longer can she party with the football elite, she's been resorted to bumping uglies with Jack Tweed - another upstanding person of the community!


No one cared about her in Big Brother and no one cares about her now.  She can snap back into shape post baby, the fact is, NO ONE WANTS TO SEE IT ANYMORE - we've seen it all years ago before it sagged, the only thing that's new are the stretch marks round your mouth!


Chanelle.... no matter what you think, you ARE NOT a model. You just have tits and a friend with a camera!  If you want your kid to be proud of you, put your clothes back on and get a job in Tesco.


POINTLESS CELEBRITY 28 - Chanelle Hayes


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Surely His 9 Lives Have Been Used Up?!? (Pointless Celeb # 13)

There isn’t much anyone can say about Jack Tweed that puts him in a good light.  He is thick as pig’s shit, famed for hogging headlines through bad behaviour and walks around with an air of importance that he hasn’t earned.

He crash landed into our lives in 2005, after hooking up with reality hag Jade Goody in a nightclub and becoming her boyfriend.  Nothing says Gold digger quite like a man happy to live off the coat tails of their girlfriend, sponging their way through life and her bank account.

He swaggered into the Celebrity Big Brother House along with Jermaine Jackson and "Face" from the A Team thinking he was one of them.  Within days he showed himself up to be the pond life that he really is by getting drawn into, what has to be, the biggest race row in UK TV history by calling Shilpa Shetty a c**t, dick and P**i, all done with a smug grin on his face that made me want to smash my way through the TV just to get to him and batter the crap out of him.  He had not right being in the show in the first place - he's a nobody, let alone act like he owned the house!  Surely the only people who thought he was awesome were members of the BNP – the rest of us thought HE was the c**t!

When most people become public enemy #1, they do everything in their power to turn their lives around and prove to the rest of us they are nice people really.  That is, unless you’re Jack Tweed.  He continued to grab headlines for drunken behaviour, debauchery and attacking people. He’s been in and out of prison, electronically tagged and yet still he treats it as a laugh.

When Jade was diagnosed with cancer, and looking for support from her long term boyfriend to help get her through the treatments, he was in prison for attacking a 16 year old boy with a golf club.  Shortly after being released he went straight back in for attacking a taxi driver.  And after Jade died, he was arrested for rape (although was found not guilty of the charge in court).

He said that Jade’s death would make him grow up.  It’s been almost 2 years and he’s still the same douchebag he always was - not working but always partying.  You have to ask – what the hell is he doing for money these days?  Jade left him nothing, giving all her money to her kids.  Jack hasn’t had a job of note for 6 years – how is he paying his bills?????

If ever there was an archetypal bloke you DON’T want your daughter to bring home, Jack Tweed would be that bloke!  No prospects, no money, no point to his life!

Jack Tweed.  You are a pointless scum bag who has not just a chip, but a whole sack of potatoes on your shoulder.  You need to crawl back under the rock you came out of because no one likes you or wants to see your face (unless it's being hit by a bus).  You’re about as talented as Jade, but without the sob story.

POINTLESS CELEBRTITY #13 – Jack Tweed

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