What’s Geordie For “Ideas Above Your Station”?!?! (Pointless Celeb #26)

Oh how I laughed when I heard the “BREAKING NEWS” on the radio that Cheryl Cole had been sacked from The X Factor USA.  Were we all supposed to be shocked that the American’s saw through her Bambi eyes, big hair and dimples and realised that there’s not an ounce of talent running through the Geordie’s veins?!?!

Now before I get hate messages from people demanding I apologise to our “People’s Princess”, I’ll be the first one to admit I USED to like Cheryl.  Out of Girls Aloud, she was always my favourite, but then she seemed happy to trade in her “talent” and carve a career for herself as a victim!

Oh No, her footballer husband cheats on her, she gets lots of public sympathy but takes him back.  He cheats on her AGAIN, and once again people rush to her aid – Poor Cheryl!  Her whole solo career has been based on people feeling sorry for her.  It’s no co-incidence that both albums were released during or straight after it was revealed Ashley’d been caught playing away from home!!

She was bloody awful as a judge on The X Factor – bland doesn’t even come close, but for some reason Cowell seemed to think that the sun shone out of her backside.  Yes she won it twice, but she had the categories that were most likely to win – young boys and young girls!  A monkey in a dress would’ve won if he was given those categories!

You can’t help but think that Cowell didn’t actually want to take Cheryl to America.  He probably said he thought she’d be good on it in passing, but actually had no intention of following it through (come on, we’ve all done it – how many times have you said to someone “We should meet up for a drink” with no intention of ever setting a date?!?). 

You can’t blame Cowell for Cheryl getting fired.  How many of us would’ve accepted a job after months of being messed around, being told you MIGHT have a role but only if Rihanna and Katy Perry and anyone else we can think of turns us down?  HAVE SOME SELF RESPECT GIRL – she should’ve said if she wasn’t first choice then she didn’t want the job! Now Cheryl’s had a massive wakeup call and come back to earth with a bump. The UK may have fallen for her sob story, but the rest of the world doesn’t give a crap – they want to see real talent, which she is seriously lacking! 

Time to go back to the day job and get the other four fish wives out of retirement and get Girls Aloud back together.  It’s funny how all stories of rifts and arguments will now be forgotten now Cheryl doesn’t have any other form of income and they’ll all be loving each other and hanging out trying to fool us into thinking they were BFF’s all along!  And just wait, in a few months Cheryl and Ashley will be reunited and the glossy magazines will be filled with stories of how she only ever wanted to be with Ashley and didn’t ever want to go to America because she would’ve missed him.

Oh and FYI – if you are ever called a “People’s Princess” you should know by now that you are doomed – Princess Diana, Jade Goody and now Chezza’s career have all met the same ending!  But hey ho, all fair in love and showbiz!

POINTLESS CELEBRITY #26 – Cheryl Cole

H x

Jedward – Your 15 Minutes of Fame are Up. BUGGER OFF!!! (Pointless Celeb #4)

My blood ran cold when I read the headline “JEDWARD TO HOST SATURDAY MORNING SHOW”.

There are a handful of celebrities that get my blood pressure rising just by hearing their name.  Jedward is one of them!  If you’ve been living under a rock (or just not taking any notice of the comings and goings in Planet Celeb) you may not have heard of John and Edward Grimes, but chances are, you have.

Before you point out there are two of them, and therefore should be Pointless Celeb #4 & 5, in my opinion, if you willingly join your names together just to save precious seconds in saying “John AND Edward”, you should be treated as one pointless person (plus I can’t tell them apart!)

Jedward, to me, epitomises everything that is wrong with the “I’ll do anything for 15 minutes of fame” brigade.  Why go on a singing competition if you can’t sing?  But then, we (and I use the royal we, as I’m nothing to do with this) encouraged them by keeping them in the X Factor for seven weeks longer than they should have.  And since then, they’ve been circling the celebrity drain refusing to go down the plughole of obscurity, much like the goldfish I had that took 5 flushes before vanishing out of sight.

But why, 12 months after their X Factor series, are they still around?  They’ve released a couple of singles, an album, had a TV series and even did a tour – and it wasn’t to mental homes around the UK!  Who in their right minds would pay to see those two knobheads jump about the stage?

So when the last single bombed and ITV decided that filming paint drying would be a more interesting TV show, I got excited and placed a bet on how many days it would be before they turned up at McDonalds asking if you wanted a Smarties or Crunchie McFlurry with your meal.  But just when you think they are one punch away from a KO, someone is at hand to give them the cheat for maximum health and infinite lives.

In my opinion, Jedward are false celebrities.  No one I know likes them and I’m yet to find anyone who actually bought their album or singles.  Why are they still getting jobs?  More importantly, why are the BBC trying to use my money to turn them into the “next Ant and Dec”?  JUST GET ANT AND DEC!!!!  While my friends and I struggle and get rejected for jobs at Auntie, they want to pay thousands for those two Irish goons. WTF?! 

The only joy Jedward’s given me, was when one of them hurt themselves on stage.  The hours of laughter that reverberated around the walls of Chez Lewis as I repeated the video on YouTube, just to see the agony on his face as his limped around the stage.  It still makes me laugh even now!

But seriously, Jedward can’t sing, can’t dance, can’t act, can barely speak English, yet, much like Jason Voorhees, JUST WON’T DIE!!!  Not even Same Difference managed a career longer than a couple of months post X Factor.  Surely it’s not just the luck of the Irish?  Why do people love them?  Does anyone?  I’ve seen them and I struggle to believe their own mother has anything but contempt for them.  Most boybanders get popular because the girlies fancy them.  If Jedward give you a funny feeling inside, then you are quite clearly mental and need to be sectioned straight away.

Jedward - it’s NOT right and it’s NOT ok.  Get off my TV NOW!

POINTLESS CELEBRITY #004 - Jedward

H x