WTF is Vagazzlling anyway?!?! (Pointless Celebs #23)

Dear The Cast of "The Only Way Is Essex"

You’re all a bunch of chavvy, orange, talentless TWATS. 

I will NEVER watch your show. 

Fuck Off.


POINTLESS CELEBRITY #23 - The Cast of "The Only Way Is Essex"

H x

“What a Waster, What a Fucking Waster” (Pointless Celeb #22)

There’s a lot that I could write about Jade Goody, but as she’s dead, I don’t fancy being called heartless and nasty (being called a prick by a Jedward fan once was enough!).  But let’s be honest, her whole family have come from the shallow end of the gene pool.... including her mother – Jackiey Budden.

Much like her daughter, I don’t think there's anything this “thing” wouldn’t do to get in the papers – lesbian, straight, bisexual, coke-head, benefit cheat, bar brawler… You name it, she’s probably done it (and arranged to be snapped by the paparazzi in the process).

What really pisses me off about this oxygen thief is that she has free makeovers and haircuts, free plastic surgery, goes on holiday left right and centre and spends all her benefit money on drugs!  Yes, I know she’s had an accident and can’t work – boo hoo, from the stories that came out when Jade first became famous, Jackiey was a waste of space before the accident so I doubt her nearest and dearest noticed any difference post crash.

Jackiey’s downfall, just like Jade’s, was going into the Celebrity Big Brother house with a chip on her shoulder and a feeling of belonging.  Jackiey – you never have been and never will be a celebrity and you certainly weren't fit to be locked in a house with the legends that you were!  Once a scumbag, always a scumbag.

It’s been just over a year since Jade died, and instead of marking it quietly with her family, Jackiey invited the camera back into her life to film her preparing to get married.  She was happily trying on dresses and cavorting with her fancy man, not mentioning Jade once or seeming in anyway upset that her only child has been 6 feet under for the past 12 months.

As mothers go, I’d say she’s on par with Sue Katona as the shittest mum in the world.  No wonder she’s not allowed to see her grandkids – I wouldn’t want her anywhere near me if she was part of my family.

Jackiey – do us all a favour, crawl back under the rock you seem to hide under most of the time and actually STAY THERE.  I’m sick and tired of picking up the Sunday papers every 5 to 6 weeks to see you’ve sold another story just to top up your bank account.  We didn’t like your daughter, we like you even less!!!

POINTLESS CELEBRITY #22 – Jackiey Budden

H x

Father of The Year Condender? No, No, NO!!! (Pointless Celeb #21)

If your daughter is slowly killing herself on every drug under the sun, the first thing you’d do, as a worried parent, would be to march her ass straight to rehab to get help.  Not, however, if you are Mitch Winehouse.  If you’re Mitch, the first thing you do is ring the press to do an interview!!!

Here is a man who’s happy to sell every skeleton hanging in his family’s wardrobe just to get his ugly mug in the paper.  When Amy Winehouse needed help the most, did Mitch honestly think that talking to Scott Mills on the radio and doing endless TV interviews would help her in anyway?  When she needed a specialist doctor to work with her, why did he agree to make a TV show about her life giving a camera crew access all area to her and also help write a book where he invited the author on holiday to see Amy getting clean?  Simple – cash monies.  With record labels and management teams already treating Amy like a cash cow, surely her Dad would treat her differently and not just see the pound sign above her head?  Nope, I bet talking about her troubles paid his mortgage!

When Amy Winehouse first burst onto the scene she was touted as the hottest new voice in the UK.  She didn’t really talk about her family, only slagging off her dead beat, taxi driving dad through a handful of songs because he’d left her mum.  But when Mitch turned himself into the Winehouse spokesperson he tried to become Saint Mitchell of Southgate, but by then we’d all got the measure of him – a man so desperate to raise his own profile, no member of his family or topic was off limits and everything was shared just for the sake of a couple of quid.

Don't get me wrong, he played the part of the “worried father” quite adequately.  I mean, it’s not Oscar worthy, but to the untrained eye, you can understand why people have said in the past “Ahh, poor Mitch, must be hard having a junkie for a daughter.”  Hell, even I did it for a nano second.  But then my sympathy dried up when it was revealed he’d managed to secure himself his own TV show and released his own album and singles.  Those are not the actions of a man spending every waking moment worrying about his daughter!

Mitch, you are just a cabby who’s sperm produced an alright singer.  Let’s be honest, if we took away the drugs, the criminal ex-hubby, the excess drinking and public brawling we’d probably be sitting here saying “Amy Winehouse who?”, confining her to the one hit wonder bin along with all the rest of them.  All the controversy made Amy more interesting, but it made Mitch seem like a Stage 5 cling-on.  Posing for photo sessions with the paparazzi and turning up to premieres all the while sharing with us what Amy had got up to that day!

Mr W, You are NOT a celebrity.  Round our way you’d be ostracised for selling out your family the way you did – you certainly wouldn’t be hailed a “celebrity”.  Now Amy’s clean I’d like to see how long the interest in Mitch lasts – the number of interviews he’s done has already greatly reduced.  I would love it if he had to return to the black cab from whence he came. 

Mitch, reality’s calling, it’s time to go back to the day job and leave the singing to your daughter.  There’s only room for one Winehouse, and it ain’t you!

POINTLESS CELEBRITY #21 – Mitch Winehouse

H x

Pratt By Name, Pratt By Nature (Pointless Celeb #20)

My God I hate Spencer Pratt.

Putting the Douche into Bag since 2006! 

I never watched, or cared about MTV’s The Hills or the cretins that it spawned.  I did a pretty good job of never seeing a single episode, that was, until it finished in 2010.  I decided to finally give it a go, acquired every single episode of all six seasons and watched them back to back in a darkened room.  It was the best summer of my life!

I was already aware from my friends that Spencer Pratt was a wrong ‘un, having had to sit through them dissecting each episode with “just LOOK at what he’s doing to Heidi”, “He’s CRAZY” and “Why can’t she just say NO!!!!!”, not actually understanding, at the time, what they were talking about. 

When I started watching the show, I decided to make my own mind up about Spencer but when he showed up in series 2 as Heidi Montag’s new boyfriend, it took me about 2 seconds before I started shouting “NOOOOOO HEIDI, NOOOOOOOO” at the TV.  How can a guy so deluded about his own self importance live on a day to day basis without someone saying “hey dude, you’re a dick”?  If I saw him walking down the street I’d have to punch him square in the face, and continue punching until a police man pulled me off his limp, lifeless body. 

The man has no redeeming features.  How could you NOT hate Spencer,? Some of his best work includes; going for a vasectomy behind his new wife’s back (even though he chickened out), alienating all his and Heidi’s friends and family, causing Heidi to lose her job, telling his own sister she was dead to him, threatening his sister in law and threatening the MTV crew!  If any of us acted the same way he has over the years we would’ve had our faces smashed in or chased out of town by an angry mob.  Because no one has called him up on his bad behaviour, instead seemingly applauded him by turning him into a cover star, he thinks he can get away with it.  My God, I’d love just five minutes with the freak – I’d tell him everything everyone seems to be too frightened to.

When he got chucked off the show in the middle of the sixth series it was because of his threatening behaviour.  But what got my blood running cold was a couple of episodes before, Spencer was on camera saying that he had banned Heidi from having a mobile, using the internet and watching TV to make sure she was “logged out of the Matrix”.  Translation – I control my because and I don’t want her reading stories on how big a prick I am because she’ll divorce me.  He’s a one man cult in bad clothes.

What gets me is that he has no talent.  From what I saw from The Hills he has never had a job, so where does his money come from?  He. just like every other pointless celebrity, he walks around thinking it’s his God given right to be on the front of magazines and on TV shows.  The reality is he’s a spoilt little three year old brat in a 27 year old’s body.  How can this guy be classed as a celebrity????

At the end of 2010, he was declared bankrupt, and, in my opinion, it couldn’t have happene to a nicer person.  People who think they can live the life of an A lister on the wage of a Z lister need their comeuppance and I’m so glad he’s starting to get his – a big black mark against his name for a good few years!  No credit cards, no store cards, no credit full stop!  The only thing I can’t understand is that after finally getting a backbone to leave him, Heidi is now back with him, so he's going to leech off her for the rest of her life and never have to grow up and get a real job.

POINTLESS CELEBRITY #20 – Spencer Pratt

H x

I’m Sure You Used To Have A Purpose (Pointless Celeb #19)

It’s not very often that a celebrity with a purpose can change into a pointless hanger on, but Carol Vorderman is fast becoming THAT celebrity!

Ms Vorderman used to be known at the UK’s brainiest woman. 

What this gal couldn’t do to numbers wasn’t worth knowing.  She also made many a teen boy’s childhood by being able to talk science and do experiments with them.  At the height of her fame, teenage girls wanted to be her (hell, I wanted to be her!) and teenage boys would get a funny feeling just looking at her (but didn’t know what it was!)

She WAS Countdown; adding up, taking away, multiplying and dividing in the blink of an eye, handing out vowels and consonants with a smile.  Where did it all go wrong Carol? 

I know!  She got divorced.

While married she was always Miss Prim and Proper - knee length skirts and high neck tops or even a fierce business suit or two.  But when she split from her hubby in 2000, she started dressing like your older, embarrassing sister trying (and failing) to hold on to her youth.  And sometimes it WASN’T pretty.  Sometimes it was mutton dressed as lamb with the boobs and legs hanging out of a dress she’d just poured herself into.  That’s NOT what we wanted from our “telly mum”!!!!  I know, being a mature woman back on the dating scene must suck and you have to make an extra effort to find the next suitor, but the woman who used to make having a day off school worthwhile, turned into a cougar overnight even before cougar’s were cool (are cougar’s really THAT cool anyway?)

She started vamping it up, caking on the makeup and adding the fake hair, eyelashes and tan so no one could take her seriously anymore.

I do think that Carol was unfairly given the bum’s rush by Channel 4 – replaced after 23 years by a 22 year old whippersnapper.  But with her brains, she could’ve got another job straight away, putting her talents to use, but instead she’s gone down the route of being THAT woman to turn up to the opening of an envelope as long as the envelope has VIP on it.  The boobs and legs are still out, and for a 50 year old, you have to give it her, she IS a foxy lady, but what’s happened to your brain’s Carol? 

She’s been on many TV shows trying to show how much of a laugh she is by taking the piss out of herself, but she's no longer the “telly mum” I remember from my youth.  Now Carol Vorderman is no better than an IT girl still trying to keep the party going even though it’s about 30 years too late.

Her fall from grace was pretty brutal, but she could’ve comeback bigger and stronger than before, sticking her fingers up to the channel execs who thought she was too old for telly, and we would've backed her, but now she seems happy to be held up as the person Paris Hilton will turn into in 20 years.

Carol, please  get a job that actually uses your brain again, because the way you’re going, you’re just a couple of months off becoming a regular hag on Loose Women – you used to have a point but right now you’re pretty pointless.

POINTLESS CELEBRITY #19 – Carol Vorderman

H x

Hey Little Rich Kids (Pointless Celebs #18)

Trash TV is my guilty pleasure. 

Trash TV has, in the past, made me change my plans of an evening to make sure I don’t miss the next edition of a mind-numbing show that reduces my IQ by 10% every 5 minutes I watch; “My Super Sweet 16”, “16 and pregnant”, “Laddette to Lady” – the crapper the concept, the more likely it is to have me hooked within seconds. It’s a love hate thing – I love to watch them and hate myself for it!

My new guilty pleasure is MTV’s Teen Cribs…

I’ve spent the past few years dipping in and out of the show, only managing 10 minutes at a time before getting envious of these precocious brats just because they have fireman poles instead of stairs, a self cleaning bathroom or a cinema room bigger than my local Odeon.  How can my 4 bed terrace in a quiet cul-de-sac compare to that?

But lately, I’ve found myself sitting in front of the TV watching episode after episode, shouting at the rich kids gurning their way through a whole 30 minutes as they show you around their Daddy’s home looking like the cat that got the cream.  But that’s just it, IT’S YOUR DAD’S HOME.  Your Dad is the one with the money to buy the self opening oven, heated toilet seats and chandeliers made from the frozen tears of Ethiopian babies.  You're just one lucky son of a bitch to be born into that family. 

I’m pretty sure all the kids on the show will NEVER actually work a day in their lives, instead coasting through life wanting to be “an actor”, living off Mummy and Daddy’s allowance, waiting for them to kick the bucket so they inherit everything.  Once you realise they are just wasters with a Platinum Visa, it’s a bit easier to handle, because you can just laugh at how deluded they are.

What annoys me it that MTV are treating and encouraging them to act like an A Lister as they ramble on about why their walk in closet is the size of my entire house and why they simply HAD to have the brand new Bentley in pink to go to prom, always trying to convince us they are the new Usher or Missy Elliot.  I even saw one episode with a 14 year old girl showing MTV around her “outside grotto that’s exactly like the Playboy mansion’s”.  YOU’RE 14.  YOU SHOULDN’T KNOW ANYTHING ABOUT PLAYBOY OR WHAT GOES ON IN THEIR GROTTO!!!!  And if your grotto is anything like Hef's, you may want to take a trip to the nearest STD clinic, because I don't think chlorine can save you!

What really pisses me off the most is how the privately educated, want-for-nothing, spoilt brats think they can pretend their “street” by throwing gang signs at the camera, calling their cleaner their “homie” and their mates, who just happen to be at the house on the day of filming, their “party crew”.  YOU CAN’T BE STREET – LOOK AT YOUR HOUSE – IT TAKES YOU 15 MINUTES TO WALK TO THE STREET FROM YOUR FRONT DOOR.  And then, more often than not, it’s a gated street in a gated community.  You are about at street at Prince William mate!

I’d love MTV to do the follow up show “When Teen Cribs Grown Up, Get Cut Off From Daddy, Thrown Out Of The Mansion And Have To Live In The Projects”.  Now THAT’S a reality TV show I’d watch religiously!!!

POINTLESS CELEBRITY #18 – Anyone that’s appeared in Teen Cribs

H x

Nothing But a Clothes Horse With a Temper (Pointless Celeb #17)

I’ve always thought that Naomi Campbell’s a prick.  And she’s done nothing over the past few years to change my opinion that she’s a prick.

No one should ever idolise a clothes horse that’s only famous because she fell on her arse on the runway many years ago when she was trying to walk in platform shoes – walking’s not exactly hard love.  If that hadn’t happened, I’m pretty sure no one would even know her name or remember her today.

She is a vile, self obsessed hag who, for some unknown reason, is classed as a supermodel.  The only thing super about her is the size of her ego.  And this ladies ego is writing cheques her talent can’t cash!

As well as being a vapid clothes hanger, she’s also been in trouble with the law - hauled to court no less than 5 times in the past 6 years because of her temper - hitting assistants, maids, flight attendants and even a police constable.

Naomi’s weapon of choice for most of her temper tantrums is a mobile phone.  Is she stupid? If it was back in the 80’s when phones resembled bricks and gave you back ache as you carried them around, then maybe she’d be on to a winner.  But mobile’s are getting smaller and lighter – they can’t do any damage!  I’m sure she would leave more of a mark using her fist.  Plus I bet the phone company got sick of her ringing all the time asking for a replacement handset because hers was broken…. again!

Should we really be holding her up as a celebrity and a role model when she thinks it’s OK to lash out and hit people when she doesn’t get her way?  And then there’s always the drugs.

What is it that makes these people think that they are entitled to openly break the law and take illegal substances and still think it OK to have teenagers look up to them?  Just because your face is on a magazine and you are invited to the best parties around, it doesn’t give you the right to break the law.  It’s not a different rule for you just because people know your name!!!

And just when we thought she was keeping her nose clean (pun intended), she’s named in a court case against war crimes because she was allegedly given blood diamonds from Charles Taylor, the former President of Liberia, after going to an event with him and Mia Farrow.  I love the fact that Mia ratted her out saying that she’d bragged to her that she’d been given a bag of jewels.  Goes to show you have NO friends in showbiz!  Naomi claimed that she gave the diamonds to the Nelson Mandela Children Fund, yet the charity, at first, denied they were given any gems, but then changed their story and a said they had them and were keeping them safe.

It was Naomi’s manner when called to court that made her a lot of new enemies.  I know that it can’t be nice being hauled in to give evidence in a trial of a person you know, despite the fact she’s probably used being inside a court room, but she waltzed in wearing shades, even though it wasn’t sunny and she was inside and acted like a diva/moron.

Naomi, when you’re summoned to court trial for allegedly being given illegal blood diamonds, DON’T tell the judge that it’s a “big inconvenience” to you - it makes you look like a bigger c**t than you already are.  Think of the people who had to mine them in the first place and how they were treated you stupid bitch.  What did it interrupt, a trip to the hairdresser?  It's not like you actually DO anything with your life.

Since then, she’s become persona no grata and really has been laying low!  Maybe she’s got the hint, although I doubt it.  She’ll probably raise her ugly head out of the water, just like Jaws in all those bloody movies, and show that there’s life in the old dog yet!  I’ll have to make sure I’m washing my hair when that happens!

POINTLESS CELEBRITY #17 – Naomi Campbell

H x