Hush Your Mouth Plastic Face (Pointless Celeb #32)

Dear LaToya

You are the least talented member of the Jackson family.  Stop trying to hog headlines during the trial into your brother's death by "tweeting", what you must thing are criptic messages, when in fact they are just ramblings of a crazy lady.

If you cared that much about finding justice for your brother you wouldn't be reaching for your mobile every 5 seconds to go on Twitter, PLUS it's never smart to be saying the things you are saying when the trial is ONGOING, especially when you're INSIDE the courtroom!!!!!

Just because you have the Jackson surname, doesn't guarantee you the superstar status your brothers and sisters have, mainly because they have talent and you have none.

Go away.  Now.

POINTLESS CELEBRITY #32 - LaToya Jackson

H x

Tits > Talent to Guarantee You Become a Celebrity (Pointless Celeb #31)

I can't quite believe just how Danielle Lloyd's managed to turn her public image round from dirty racist to doting mother and mouth piece for all things baby.  She did after all tell Shilpa Shetty to "Fuck off home" on TV, but it seems people have forgiven and forgotten after her limp excuse that it was "said it was just said in the heat of the moment".  


Jade Goody didn't get off so lightly in the row, she lost lots of work, Jo O'Meara had some sort of breakdown and Jack Tweed just went back to being the bellend we all knew and hated from before.  Danielle, however, fluttered her eyelashes and everyone just said "you're forgiven".  


Just shows you the power of a great set of tits!

But when it comes down to the crunch, that's all she is - a pair of boobs... and she's as fake as them too!


A former Miss England and Miss Great Britain, she proved she certainly has the brains (or lack of them) to be a pageant princess by unwittingly revealing in an interview that her boyfriend was one of the judges in the competition and couldn't understand it when people were calling her victory a fix!


For the last 5 years she's made a career from posing with all her bits out for lads mags and going on all the "celeb" reality show available in between sleeping with as many footballers as she can.  Classy!


Now that she's plopped out 2 kids in quick succession I doubt the lads mag covers will be making a comeback - her career had drooped as low as her breasts (or as low as her breast WOULD HAVE drooped if they were real) and with no other skill to fall back on I have a feeling she'll be bouncing from one overpaid footballer to the other when this latest one moves on to a newer and younger model, but at least she can bleed this one dry with maintenance money for her sprogs.


Oh one day her uppance will come and she'll be reminded that she's a talentless wench no better than the other WAGs who's only goal is to marry a footballer "'cause they are proper fit and loaded" and I for one can't wait!


POINTLESS CELEBRITY #31 - Danielle Lloyd


H x

"That's Hot".... My Oven I Mean, Go Stick Your Head In It (Pointless Celeb #30)

You may have guessed that I don't like celebrities that are famous for no reason.  But I DETEST celebrities are famous for happily living off the name of their family.  This makes Paris Hilton Public Enemy #1 in my books

Born with the biggest ever silver spoon in her mouth, the dumb blonde has had everything us mere mortals could ever dream of handed to her on a plate and yet she's still lived every single one of her 10,958 days on this planet as a real life Veruca Salt from Charlie and the Chocolate Factory - "I want, I want, I want".  And, as is always the case with parents with too much money and not enough common sense, she got, she got, she got!

What's the deal with that stupid, fake, high pitched, childlike voice?  It didn't work for Michael Jackson, it's not working for you Paris - just talk normally, you sound like a retard!  Why has no one pointed this out to her?

The list of crap she's put her name to to generate income/ cash in on her name is both astounding and quite diverse.... perfume, nightclubs, wine - the only thing that links them together is they all smell off wee!

She's had books (ghost written, obviously), hair extensions and a singing career (damn you Autotune!!!!!)

But there are only 2 things Pairs is famous for - THAT tape and THOSE mugshots.

 

Much like Kim Kardashian, Paris' star rocketed after the release of a dodgy home sex tape.  Whereas most of us would be mortified to know the world has seen our bits in all it's green night visioned, shaky hand cam glory, she has lived up to her slutty image and made millions from laying in her back.

Don't get me started on her brushes with the law.  If one of us pulled the crazy crap that she has we'd be locked away for years, not the 40 odd days she served.  What really boils my blood is that her list of misdemeanours and felonies is quite extensive: drunk driving, driving without a licence, speeding at night with no headlights on and possession of weed and cocaine, not namby pamby stuff that would get you a slap on the wrist!

When she came out of jail in 2007, she promised to turn her life around and start to do things for others less fortunate - it didn't even last a day before she was back to her stupid, dumb ways.

What gets me is that the Hilton hotel empire has been built up through years of hard work and dedication from her great-grandfather, she's not done a single days work, yet will inherit a rather hefty sum of the profits when it's her time, which she will no doubt squander on handbags, booze and drugs.

The only thing I console myself with is, despite all the money, fast cars, designer clothes, Paris will NEVER have any proper friends.  She'll just have acquaintances and hangers on only after the money and perks that comes with hanging out with a Grade A Dumbass.

Paris, there is probably a reason why your "friends" come and go out of your life and why the warranty on your engagement rings last longer the boyfriends that give them to you.  I'm going to take a stab in the dark here and say the reason is YOU!  You are a high maintenance head f**k who doesn't deserve a single penny of your wealth!

POINTLESS CELEBRITY #30 - Paris Hilton

H x

"Walk This Way" to the Dole Queue Ladies (Pointless Celeb 29)

Surely I'm not the only person who's getting sick of the Sugababes.

In the beginning, the fact that they were sullen schoolgirls who looked like they were eyeing you up to mug you for your kidneys to sell on eBay was actually a refreshing change to the bubble gum pop that was saturating the charts at the time.

Then the stories of back stabbing and bitching began, the ginger one left and no one really cared, mainly due to the fact that she was replaced by a cute blonde with perky "assets"......

With Heidi in the group their imaged changed pretty much over night from sullen teens wanting to do you in to sex workers wanting to do you for a tenner!  

It's amazing what a Wonderbra and low slung jeans can do for your career, because after the make over they took the charts by storm and had several number one's (even if what they sang was more like a number two).  It's like their navel piercings were hypnotising a nation as they gyrated around on Saturday morning TV miming totally singing live.  

Then Mutya left and it seemed like the band was in fact playing a real life version of Lemmings, disposing of members left right and centre with nothing more than an "Uh oh" as they vanished and another generic, skanky Barbie doll look alike took their place.  

By the time it care to Keisha's exit, the band had just become a parody of itself with old members fighting new members, people pretending to be outraged that yet again someone had been replaced, while most of us just thought "I didn't even know (or in fact care) that they were still together".  


The row over the name was farcical.  As Shakespeare said, "What's in a name? That which we call a rose by any other name would smell as sweet."  Call the Sugababes what the hell you want - it's still going to be bland, paint by numbers rubbish pop!

Yet another skank was enrolled into the hall of fame and the local college was a wannabe beauty student down!

What is sad about the Sugababes Version 4.0 is that because no one cares about them anymore, they're having to resort to dirty tricks to try and remain relevant.  Earlier this week Heidi almost got her boobs out on live TV when the top she was wearing came open.  How original.  Of course it got them mentioned in all the gossip columns and it was put down to a good old fashioned "wardrobe malfunction".  Hey Sugababes, a "wardrobe malfunction" is when the door on my Ikea unit springing open randomly. What Heidi had was a publicity stunt.  

Come on girls, I think it's now time to admit defeat and pack it in.  I'm sure I saw a "Help Wanted" sign in the window of Lidl's that'll be right up your street!

POINTLESS CELEBRITY #29 - Sugababes

H x

Another Wannabe From the House of Big Brother (Pointless Celeb 28)

While out walking round what can only be described as a flea market, I was rudely reminded of this desperado, as one of the stalls there had a massive board with her face gurning down on us mere mortals, selling her perfume for £2 a bottle! Christ, I bet the Marc Jacobs perfume house must be shaking to their foundations and worried about their sales!!!

Once again, a quick look at her Wikipedia page, she's described as a "Media Personality" (which means WTF do you do for your money???) and a "Model". Gracing the cover of Nuts and Loaded with everything hanging out does not a model make!  I believe the term you are looking for is "SLAPPER".  Especially when the story that goes with said cover shot is along the lines of "I done it with a footballer, I'm proper sexy me!"  Yeah, as sexy as Rose West in an Anne Summers outfit, darling!!


She's been lurking in the shadows since 2007 when she entered the Big Brother house, saying she was a Victoria Beckham lookalike, started a "show-mance" with Ziggy (who kind of looked like a David Beckham doll that had been left too near a radiator and had melted).    


After walking out of the BB House and once the magazine deals had dried up (within a week of her exit) she went down the tried and tested route to keep her "Z lister with no talent" status - by banging footballers.  Selling stories on how Generic Footballer #43758 was great in bed and the best she'd ever had.... until Generic Footballer #43759.  Seriously, it's almost like the  Women's Movement never happened.  What ever happened to earning money OFF your own back, not being ON it?!?


She's since had a baby with Generic Footballer #Not Known, and is happy selling stories on how she's coping as a single mum seeing as he didn't even stick around to see her pop out the fruits of his loins.


Since plopping out a sprog, she'd had to lower her standards.  No longer can she party with the football elite, she's been resorted to bumping uglies with Jack Tweed - another upstanding person of the community!


No one cared about her in Big Brother and no one cares about her now.  She can snap back into shape post baby, the fact is, NO ONE WANTS TO SEE IT ANYMORE - we've seen it all years ago before it sagged, the only thing that's new are the stretch marks round your mouth!


Chanelle.... no matter what you think, you ARE NOT a model. You just have tits and a friend with a camera!  If you want your kid to be proud of you, put your clothes back on and get a job in Tesco.


POINTLESS CELEBRITY 28 - Chanelle Hayes


H x

Who Keeps Hiring Kerry Katona?!? (Pointless Celeb #27)

You can always tell the calibre of person by their Wikipedia job description.  When you are called a "media personality" is means people are thinking "what the hell do you do?"  It's no surprise that Kerry Katona is a "media personality".


She's had more scandals than hot dinners - failed marriages, family rows, drug problems, mental health problems, financial problems.  She's been hired, fired and re-hired yet hasn't actually seemed to have changed in anyway.  Which begs the question..... who keeps thinking it's a good idea to hire Kerry Katona?

She burst onto the scene in 1999 as one third of Atomic Kitten, all blonde hair and boobs and not much else.  It soon became clear, and she ever admitted it herself, that she couldn't sing and after 2 years of constant miming she left after getting knocked up by the fat one from Westlife.


What's so annoying about Katona is that when she was crowned Queen of the jungle she had the world (and us) at her feet.  She COULD have done anything, but instead she got divorced and lost the plot.  Yes, it must be devastating when your hubby falls in love with another woman right in front of your eyes, but she's not the first person it's happened to - Jennifer Anniston didn't reach for the Class A's when Brad left her, Kerry, however, did.


The following 6 years were just a car crash of men, booze, drugs, more kids, thousands of pounds worth of body sculpting, bankruptcy and another divorce, all played out on the covers of the glossy magazines, newspapers, interviews and the obligatory reality tv shows.


And there was THAT interview on This Morning.....

The fact that the whole purpose of the interview was to talk about the thousands of pounds she'd just spent on having things nipped, tucked and sucked out of her body just showed how desperate she had become to get her face on the telly.  As she gurned, slurred and stuttered her way through the interview it should've signalled the end of her "career", but it didn't.  If anything, it helped it - she blamed the rambly, shambolic appearance on her medication for her bi-polar and everyone accepted it without demanding a drugs test to see exactly was coursing through her veins.  Surely this isn't the type of person we want our kids to look up to?

I thought Kerry had hit rock bottom when the video of her sniffing something that wasn't talcum powder in her bathroom appeared on the net.  She was dropped from most of her work contracts and no one wanted anything to do with her.  I honestly thought she had finally been kicked out of the celeb coop and was on her way back to earth with a bump - could Poundland be getting a new cashier?  Oh how I wished I'd get her asking me if I wanted fries with my burger or to go large for an extra 20p, but her 15 minutes hadn't quite been drained of every last second and much like a Call of Duty character, she respawned and came back stronger and willing to do ANYTHING!  Chat shows, magazine shoots, game shows and, of course, a reality tv show following her every move.


The thing about Katona is, that despite all this "reinvention" we all know that underneath there's a very "troubled" girl waiting to break out and I can't be the only one who's waiting for her to fall off the wagon because it is going to be monumental!  Until then, looks like we're stuck seeing pictures of Kerry turning up to the opening of the envelope, seeing as she's got no other talent to pay the bills.


Kerry - the poster girl who had it all and lost it all.... and will never get it back!  Be warned kids - drugs aren't big or clever and if you take them you'll end up miming Atomic Kitten sons for the rest of your life!!!


POINTLESS CELEBRITY # 27 - Kerry Katona


H x

Big Brother's Bitchier Sister.....

Big Brother is back!  Read about it here

http://bigbrothersbitchiersister.blogspot.com/