Hey Little Rich Kids (Pointless Celebs #18)

Trash TV is my guilty pleasure. 

Trash TV has, in the past, made me change my plans of an evening to make sure I don’t miss the next edition of a mind-numbing show that reduces my IQ by 10% every 5 minutes I watch; “My Super Sweet 16”, “16 and pregnant”, “Laddette to Lady” – the crapper the concept, the more likely it is to have me hooked within seconds. It’s a love hate thing – I love to watch them and hate myself for it!

My new guilty pleasure is MTV’s Teen Cribs…

I’ve spent the past few years dipping in and out of the show, only managing 10 minutes at a time before getting envious of these precocious brats just because they have fireman poles instead of stairs, a self cleaning bathroom or a cinema room bigger than my local Odeon.  How can my 4 bed terrace in a quiet cul-de-sac compare to that?

But lately, I’ve found myself sitting in front of the TV watching episode after episode, shouting at the rich kids gurning their way through a whole 30 minutes as they show you around their Daddy’s home looking like the cat that got the cream.  But that’s just it, IT’S YOUR DAD’S HOME.  Your Dad is the one with the money to buy the self opening oven, heated toilet seats and chandeliers made from the frozen tears of Ethiopian babies.  You're just one lucky son of a bitch to be born into that family. 

I’m pretty sure all the kids on the show will NEVER actually work a day in their lives, instead coasting through life wanting to be “an actor”, living off Mummy and Daddy’s allowance, waiting for them to kick the bucket so they inherit everything.  Once you realise they are just wasters with a Platinum Visa, it’s a bit easier to handle, because you can just laugh at how deluded they are.

What annoys me it that MTV are treating and encouraging them to act like an A Lister as they ramble on about why their walk in closet is the size of my entire house and why they simply HAD to have the brand new Bentley in pink to go to prom, always trying to convince us they are the new Usher or Missy Elliot.  I even saw one episode with a 14 year old girl showing MTV around her “outside grotto that’s exactly like the Playboy mansion’s”.  YOU’RE 14.  YOU SHOULDN’T KNOW ANYTHING ABOUT PLAYBOY OR WHAT GOES ON IN THEIR GROTTO!!!!  And if your grotto is anything like Hef's, you may want to take a trip to the nearest STD clinic, because I don't think chlorine can save you!

What really pisses me off the most is how the privately educated, want-for-nothing, spoilt brats think they can pretend their “street” by throwing gang signs at the camera, calling their cleaner their “homie” and their mates, who just happen to be at the house on the day of filming, their “party crew”.  YOU CAN’T BE STREET – LOOK AT YOUR HOUSE – IT TAKES YOU 15 MINUTES TO WALK TO THE STREET FROM YOUR FRONT DOOR.  And then, more often than not, it’s a gated street in a gated community.  You are about at street at Prince William mate!

I’d love MTV to do the follow up show “When Teen Cribs Grown Up, Get Cut Off From Daddy, Thrown Out Of The Mansion And Have To Live In The Projects”.  Now THAT’S a reality TV show I’d watch religiously!!!

POINTLESS CELEBRITY #18 – Anyone that’s appeared in Teen Cribs

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Nothing But a Clothes Horse With a Temper (Pointless Celeb #17)

I’ve always thought that Naomi Campbell’s a prick.  And she’s done nothing over the past few years to change my opinion that she’s a prick.

No one should ever idolise a clothes horse that’s only famous because she fell on her arse on the runway many years ago when she was trying to walk in platform shoes – walking’s not exactly hard love.  If that hadn’t happened, I’m pretty sure no one would even know her name or remember her today.

She is a vile, self obsessed hag who, for some unknown reason, is classed as a supermodel.  The only thing super about her is the size of her ego.  And this ladies ego is writing cheques her talent can’t cash!

As well as being a vapid clothes hanger, she’s also been in trouble with the law - hauled to court no less than 5 times in the past 6 years because of her temper - hitting assistants, maids, flight attendants and even a police constable.

Naomi’s weapon of choice for most of her temper tantrums is a mobile phone.  Is she stupid? If it was back in the 80’s when phones resembled bricks and gave you back ache as you carried them around, then maybe she’d be on to a winner.  But mobile’s are getting smaller and lighter – they can’t do any damage!  I’m sure she would leave more of a mark using her fist.  Plus I bet the phone company got sick of her ringing all the time asking for a replacement handset because hers was broken…. again!

Should we really be holding her up as a celebrity and a role model when she thinks it’s OK to lash out and hit people when she doesn’t get her way?  And then there’s always the drugs.

What is it that makes these people think that they are entitled to openly break the law and take illegal substances and still think it OK to have teenagers look up to them?  Just because your face is on a magazine and you are invited to the best parties around, it doesn’t give you the right to break the law.  It’s not a different rule for you just because people know your name!!!

And just when we thought she was keeping her nose clean (pun intended), she’s named in a court case against war crimes because she was allegedly given blood diamonds from Charles Taylor, the former President of Liberia, after going to an event with him and Mia Farrow.  I love the fact that Mia ratted her out saying that she’d bragged to her that she’d been given a bag of jewels.  Goes to show you have NO friends in showbiz!  Naomi claimed that she gave the diamonds to the Nelson Mandela Children Fund, yet the charity, at first, denied they were given any gems, but then changed their story and a said they had them and were keeping them safe.

It was Naomi’s manner when called to court that made her a lot of new enemies.  I know that it can’t be nice being hauled in to give evidence in a trial of a person you know, despite the fact she’s probably used being inside a court room, but she waltzed in wearing shades, even though it wasn’t sunny and she was inside and acted like a diva/moron.

Naomi, when you’re summoned to court trial for allegedly being given illegal blood diamonds, DON’T tell the judge that it’s a “big inconvenience” to you - it makes you look like a bigger c**t than you already are.  Think of the people who had to mine them in the first place and how they were treated you stupid bitch.  What did it interrupt, a trip to the hairdresser?  It's not like you actually DO anything with your life.

Since then, she’s become persona no grata and really has been laying low!  Maybe she’s got the hint, although I doubt it.  She’ll probably raise her ugly head out of the water, just like Jaws in all those bloody movies, and show that there’s life in the old dog yet!  I’ll have to make sure I’m washing my hair when that happens!

POINTLESS CELEBRITY #17 – Naomi Campbell

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She’s Living The Dream…. We’re Living a Nightmare! (Pointless Celeb #16)

Big Brother has unleashed an army of talentless wannabes who parade themselves across the TV and in every glossy magazine out there with a false sense of importance.  The last few series of the show even saw people openly admit they were only on the show to get famous and sell out, despite having no talent whatsoever.

The one person who gets me shouting and screaming whenever she’s on the TV or the cover of a magazine or anywhere else she can shoehorn her massive nose is Chantelle Houghton. 

As is the norm with any Big Brother candidate, she’s thick as pick shit, has a voice of a fish wife and just because she looks a bit like Paris Hilton, she thinks she can act like her too.  What was different with Chantelle was that she took part in "Celebrity Big Brother", even though she wasn’t a celebrity.  Those pesky Big Brother execs sure know how to spice up a TV show just enough to be able to flog it for a few more years!

She had to pretend that she was in a girl group even though she was tone deaf (mind you when did that stop Atomic Kitten?)  And just to show how far up their own arses the celebrities were, they all fell hook line and sinker for her sham without really questioning her.  They more interested in hogging camera time for themselves to care about a little blonde Essex chav.  It goes to prove my theory that celebs live in their own little bubble away from the world where everything revolves around them and they don't care about anyone else but themselves.  Jackasses!

The thing that made her a little bit interesting was the fact that she started to fancy and flirt outrageously with another housemate – a singer in a rather unknown band, who at the time had a long term partner!  Somehow, she ended up winning the show and pocketing £250,000 in the process!  Chantelle turned into a media sweetheart overnight.  She had her own TV show, appeared on any other show that’d have her, became a columnist (which is ironic, because I doubt she can even spell the word) and wrote her own autobiography!

And surprise, surprise, when the singer realised he was getting no headlines of his own, but Chantelle was getting loads, he dumped the long term girlfriend, hooked up with Chantelle and married her within a few months.  Together they hogged the headlines for being one of the dopiest couples around!  And when the marriage hit the skids after 10 months (because no one cared anymore) we were all supposed to look shocked and NOT say “told you so”.  Rumours were that he went back to the long term girlfriend for a bit - what a surprise!

Just when it looked like Chantelle was migrating to the celebrity graveyard filled with ex soap stars and any designer that appeared on "Changing Rooms", Big Brother had to go and spoil it all by saying something stupid like “Ultimate Big Brother”.  Pitting ALL the fuckwit contestants of the show over the years against each other to find the ultimate toss pot.  Of course Chantelle went back in – and so did the ex husband.  And the will they, won’t they love story started all over again….

… except this time we really didn’t give a crap.  And neither did he.  Even though Chantelle revealed she still had feelings for him, he strung her along, saw that she didn’t win this time, saw we didn’t care about her or any of them and then dumped her all over again. And then, once again, she was EVERYWHERE, playing the hard done by ex (while pocketing handsome pay cheques for every time she sold her story and her soul.)

You do have to give it to her though, because despite not actually doing a proper job for the past 5 years, she’s supposed to be a millionaire. 

Chantelle epitomises EVERYTHING that’s wrong with the celebrity obsession we have.  There are people looking up to her and aspiring to be her, yet she’s actually done NOTHING with her life.  How about idolising someone with at least half a brain people?

Chantelle’s a one trick reality star happy to hog headlines that paint her as the hard done by victim, wanting  and willing people to pity her.  But now Big Brother has been cancelled, what's she going to do to get her face back on the TV?  I suppose there's always "The Weakest Link", come to think about it, opening boxes on "Deal or No Deal" is more her intellectual level!

POINTLESS CELEBRITY # 16 – Chantelle Houghton

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Mentally and Physically Unstable (Pointless Celeb #15)

Let’s be honest, when Paul McCartney paraded Heather Mills to the world as his new girlfriend and future wife, we all thought he was either having a laugh or having a breakdown!  What was he thinking hooking up with a chav from the North East?  She may’ve handed back his surname in the divorce, but she’s not giving up the fame she inherited by marrying a Beatle any time soon, despite having no talent to call her own!

I’ve always hated Heather Mills, even before the wedding ring hit her finger.  She’s nothing but a fame hungry whore, only interested in her own publicity.

She may well harp on about her charity work, how she gives 80% of her wages to charity, how she only ever does stuff for charity, but if you are doing it JUST for the charity, you wouldn’t feel the need to tell everyone every single day of the year.  And what do the charities get out of her attending film premiers, going on TV to talk about "her hell marriage" or waltzing around the dance floor?  Nothing.  If I were a charity, I wouldn't want her anywhere near me! 

Peg Leg Pete really did land on her foot when Macca took an interest in her.  Before that she was just  a wannabe glamour model with a face like a pitbull with a sob story that her leg was amputated after being hit by a policeman on a bike.  Knowing how she’s turn out, I wonder if the cop thinks, “Should’ve reversed over her when I had the chance!”

Even in the days leading up to the wedding there were stories that she’d thrown a strop and threw her ring out of a window after a row with Sir Paul, well, she could hardly leg it!

Heather Mills, to me, deserves all the headlines she gets.  It’s the one thing I DO love about the British press – we know how to take people down!  Remember the GMTV interview when she completely lost it?

I honestly thought (and hoped) she’d be sectioned as a bona fide fruit loop after this.  Press=1, Peg Leg=0

I can’t believe GMTV gave her air time to rant like a woman possessed, compare herself to a couple who lost their kid and a dead princess.  Hell, she even said Diana was KILLED by the press and GMTV did nothing to stop her!

If being in the public eye is too much for you to handle Heather, then move and don’t tell anyone where you’re going.  With 24 million of Paul’s money sitting in your bank account, I’m pretty sure you can afford a nice little semi somewhere no one will give a crap about you. 

IF YOU DON’T WANT TO BE IN THE PAPERS STOP SELLING STORIES YOU TROLL!

I can't believe that she honestly thought she could turn the world against a living legend.  Come on, even when stories came out that Paul would hide her leg if she'd pissed him off so she'd have to hop around the house we all laughed and felt not a shred of sympathy for her.  Why?  BECAUSE SHE'S A TROLL!!!!

Heather, hop along now, there's a dear - your 15 minutes are well and truly up.

POINTLESS CELEBRITY # 15 - Heather Mills

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How To F**k It Up in 5 Easy Steps (Pointless Celeb #14)

My claim to fame is that I went to school with Gavin Henson, but it’s always swiftly followed by “he was a dick back then too!!!”

The wannabe Ken doll who looks like he gets his tan straight from a tin of Ronseal!  For someone who was touted as having a “promising career ahead of him” in school, he’s turned into the poster boy of What Not To Do.

Years ago, Gavin only ever wanted to play rugby.  He always wanted to be a famous player and would put in hours of practice on the rugby pitch.  While the rest of us would be sneaking off to smoke inbetween classes or to partake in some under the jumper over the bra groping with the boy toy of that week, he carried on playing - he didn’t give a toss because he didn’t want anything else.  It still seemed to be that way when he was picked up by The Ospreys, Lions and Wales team years later.  Everyone was saying he was destined for “great things”….. that was until Charlotte Church waggled her fanny in front of him, when it all went out the window and he pressed the self destruct button on his career;

STEP 1 : Bang Charlotte Church

When they first met, Miss Church was known as a party girl.  Drinking all day and night, taking drugs, fighting in clubs and spewing in the gutter - the type of girl a focussed, health freak would avoid at all costs.  Her vagina must be filled with cat nip or heroin, because it seemed like Gavin was hooked on her chavvy charms and in a matter of MONTHS she managed to derail his career with her IT girl lifestyle!

STEP 2 : Party Hard, Train Little

It doesn’t take a brain box to figure out that you CAN enjoy a few beers every now and again, but to keep at your peak fitness level, you have to train harder.  It’s no massive surprise to anyone (except Gavin it seems) that when he started to take his eye off the ball and concentrate more on where his next bottle of beer was coming from, he started to get injured – groin, Achilles tendons, not to mention his general fitness levels dropping to that of a 40 year old larger lout!  If only he had watched Grange Hill.  He would’ve learnt to say “No”, just like Zamo!

STEP 3 : Think You Deserve To Live The High Life

When you’re a sports star, you know that the time you have in paid employment is quite limited.  Age DOESN’T work in your favour.  Younger, faster and better looking players come up behind you ready to steal the hearts of the girlie fans.  So when you can make money, you have to make lots of it to set you up for life. 

Why did Gavin think he deserved to go to award ceremonies and glitzy nights out and expect to be treated like a VIP?  You are just a bloke who throws and kicks a funny shaped ball around a pitch – you AREN’T a celebrity!!!  If anything, you're a hanger on. 

By acting like a twat at every given opportunity, Gavin lived up to the stereotype people already have that the Welsh are fuckwits high on Stella!  I hope he enjoyed the high life while he had it, because I’m pretty sure the doors that opened for him when he was Charlotte’s plus 1 have now been slammed shut in his face! 

STEP 4 : Agree To Go Without Pay From Work

When you or I injure ourselves and have to take time off, we do everything in our power to get back to work as soon as possible.  If that means exercising morning, noon and night with specialists, I’m pretty sure we’d do it.  Gavin, who had the best physiotherapists at his disposal, decided to have a rest and take months and months off.  And when they took his money away, instead of giving him the kick up the arse he needed to get back to shape, he turned himself into a house husband, relying on Charlotte to support the family. 

As soon as that happened I predicted that the Henson-Church union would hit the skids.  No woman wants to have the burden of supporting her family entirely on her shoulders.  Don’t forget, we’ve been programmed to think a knight in shining armour is coming to protect us, care for us and pay our Visa bills!  No one wants to date a loser who can’t even afford to shop at Lidl!!!

STEP 5 : Turn Yourself Into A Laughing Stock

After sitting on your arse for over a year unpaid, when you are fit enough to return to the pitch, surely you’d want to pull your jersey on and show everyone who had you marked as a “has been” they were wrong.  Apparently not.  Apparently what you think is, “Should I add feathers or sequins to my lycra trousers this week?” 

I’m still struggling to understand why Gavin’s manager put him up for a stint on Strictly Come Dancing and why the hell Gavin said yes!!  I know coming out of a relationship can make you act a bit crazy, but the craziest I’ve ever been is eating a whole tub of ice cream by myself in less than half an hour.  Never once did I want to eye up a tutu and start the tango!!!  What was he thinking??????

I do find it funny that as soon as Charlotte kicked him to the curb and cut him off from her bank account, he was suddenly fit enough to play rugby again! 

Gavin has turned himself into a living joke.  It doesn’t matter where he plays rugby, we’ve all seen how he fell from grace and why.  When the press makes you out to be a bigger dick than the anti-Christ that is Charlotte Church, you know you’re in trouble!  There is nothing he can do now to get his career back on track.

I hope the few years of living the high life in someone else’s shadow was worth pissing your career away! Remember, “Bro’s before Ho’s” Gav – because as you’ve found out the hard way, none of us are really worth it in the long run!!! 

POINTLESS CELEBRITY #14 – Gavin Henson

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Surely His 9 Lives Have Been Used Up?!? (Pointless Celeb # 13)

There isn’t much anyone can say about Jack Tweed that puts him in a good light.  He is thick as pig’s shit, famed for hogging headlines through bad behaviour and walks around with an air of importance that he hasn’t earned.

He crash landed into our lives in 2005, after hooking up with reality hag Jade Goody in a nightclub and becoming her boyfriend.  Nothing says Gold digger quite like a man happy to live off the coat tails of their girlfriend, sponging their way through life and her bank account.

He swaggered into the Celebrity Big Brother House along with Jermaine Jackson and "Face" from the A Team thinking he was one of them.  Within days he showed himself up to be the pond life that he really is by getting drawn into, what has to be, the biggest race row in UK TV history by calling Shilpa Shetty a c**t, dick and P**i, all done with a smug grin on his face that made me want to smash my way through the TV just to get to him and batter the crap out of him.  He had not right being in the show in the first place - he's a nobody, let alone act like he owned the house!  Surely the only people who thought he was awesome were members of the BNP – the rest of us thought HE was the c**t!

When most people become public enemy #1, they do everything in their power to turn their lives around and prove to the rest of us they are nice people really.  That is, unless you’re Jack Tweed.  He continued to grab headlines for drunken behaviour, debauchery and attacking people. He’s been in and out of prison, electronically tagged and yet still he treats it as a laugh.

When Jade was diagnosed with cancer, and looking for support from her long term boyfriend to help get her through the treatments, he was in prison for attacking a 16 year old boy with a golf club.  Shortly after being released he went straight back in for attacking a taxi driver.  And after Jade died, he was arrested for rape (although was found not guilty of the charge in court).

He said that Jade’s death would make him grow up.  It’s been almost 2 years and he’s still the same douchebag he always was - not working but always partying.  You have to ask – what the hell is he doing for money these days?  Jade left him nothing, giving all her money to her kids.  Jack hasn’t had a job of note for 6 years – how is he paying his bills?????

If ever there was an archetypal bloke you DON’T want your daughter to bring home, Jack Tweed would be that bloke!  No prospects, no money, no point to his life!

Jack Tweed.  You are a pointless scum bag who has not just a chip, but a whole sack of potatoes on your shoulder.  You need to crawl back under the rock you came out of because no one likes you or wants to see your face (unless it's being hit by a bus).  You’re about as talented as Jade, but without the sob story.

POINTLESS CELEBRTITY #13 – Jack Tweed

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I Wonder What Attracts a 25 year old to a Multi-Millionaire 60 years Her Senior? (Pointless Celeb #12)

When it was announced that Hugh Hefner had proposed to his latest bimbo girlfriend at Christmas, the whole world shuddered and lost their appetite.  The 84 year old (who should really know better) is to marry 24 year old Crystal Harris.

What annoys me is the fact that now she’s got a ring on her finger, she’s hot property.  Everyone wants to talk to her, wants her photo and she’s getting treated like an A List celebrity.  Just because you let an 84 year old wiener in or around you DOESN’T make you a celebrity – it makes us question your motives.  A couple of months ago no one gave a crap about you!  There’s a reason that the TV show "The Girls Next Door" stopped after her one and only series – NO ONE WATCHED IT!!!  When Holly Madison, Kendra Wilkinson and Bridget Marquardt were the ladies in Hef’s life, their show was watched by millions(and went on for five years).  After they all flew the nest, the newbies struggled to get anyone to tune in!

I got sucked into The Girls Next Door.  I do have a soft spot for Holly, Kendra and Bridget.  I’ve watched every episode and bought the box sets.  Hell at one point I wanted to BE a girlfriend just so I could hang out with the trio and become their friends!!!   But I just didn’t care about the new class – Crystal and the twins.  At least Holly et al were with Hef before the TV show and helped make Playboy cool again.  Crystal is part of hangers on who’re just doing it for self exposure.  After all, she wasted no time in getting a record deal, setting up a cosmetic range and anything else she can get her name to – including a Crystal Harris store on her website. Who the hell wants a t-shirt from the least liked girlfriend???

She’s part of the 15 minutes of fame brigade and those 15 minutes can’t be used up quick enough.  No one should look up to someone who’s happy to get whatever she wants by being on her back.  Part of me thinks if Hef is stupid enough to let these gold digging girls in his life, he deserves everything he gets.  Let him marry her, but it’ll be over before they even get their wedding snaps framed and then she’ll be entitled to a hefty chunk of his money!!  But my money’s on the fact it won’t get to the isle.  If it does, I’ll eat my wedding hat!

If it's not Holly walking down the aisle, it shouldn't be happening!!!!

POINTLESS CELEBRITY #12 – Crystal Harris

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