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What’s Geordie For “Ideas Above Your Station”?!?! (Pointless Celeb #26)

Oh how I laughed when I heard the “BREAKING NEWS” on the radio that Cheryl Cole had been sacked from The X Factor USA.  Were we all supposed to be shocked that the American’s saw through her Bambi eyes, big hair and dimples and realised that there’s not an ounce of talent running through the Geordie’s veins?!?!

Now before I get hate messages from people demanding I apologise to our “People’s Princess”, I’ll be the first one to admit I USED to like Cheryl.  Out of Girls Aloud, she was always my favourite, but then she seemed happy to trade in her “talent” and carve a career for herself as a victim!

Oh No, her footballer husband cheats on her, she gets lots of public sympathy but takes him back.  He cheats on her AGAIN, and once again people rush to her aid – Poor Cheryl!  Her whole solo career has been based on people feeling sorry for her.  It’s no co-incidence that both albums were released during or straight after it was revealed Ashley’d been caught playing away from home!!

She was bloody awful as a judge on The X Factor – bland doesn’t even come close, but for some reason Cowell seemed to think that the sun shone out of her backside.  Yes she won it twice, but she had the categories that were most likely to win – young boys and young girls!  A monkey in a dress would’ve won if he was given those categories!

You can’t help but think that Cowell didn’t actually want to take Cheryl to America.  He probably said he thought she’d be good on it in passing, but actually had no intention of following it through (come on, we’ve all done it – how many times have you said to someone “We should meet up for a drink” with no intention of ever setting a date?!?). 

You can’t blame Cowell for Cheryl getting fired.  How many of us would’ve accepted a job after months of being messed around, being told you MIGHT have a role but only if Rihanna and Katy Perry and anyone else we can think of turns us down?  HAVE SOME SELF RESPECT GIRL – she should’ve said if she wasn’t first choice then she didn’t want the job! Now Cheryl’s had a massive wakeup call and come back to earth with a bump. The UK may have fallen for her sob story, but the rest of the world doesn’t give a crap – they want to see real talent, which she is seriously lacking! 

Time to go back to the day job and get the other four fish wives out of retirement and get Girls Aloud back together.  It’s funny how all stories of rifts and arguments will now be forgotten now Cheryl doesn’t have any other form of income and they’ll all be loving each other and hanging out trying to fool us into thinking they were BFF’s all along!  And just wait, in a few months Cheryl and Ashley will be reunited and the glossy magazines will be filled with stories of how she only ever wanted to be with Ashley and didn’t ever want to go to America because she would’ve missed him.

Oh and FYI – if you are ever called a “People’s Princess” you should know by now that you are doomed – Princess Diana, Jade Goody and now Chezza’s career have all met the same ending!  But hey ho, all fair in love and showbiz!

POINTLESS CELEBRITY #26 – Cheryl Cole

H x

Sob Story of the Century (Pointless Celeb #25)

If you’re from Wales you’ll know Imogen Thomas for being a fame hungry former Miss Wales, if you’re from the UK you’ll know Imogen Thomas as a fame hungry Big Brother contestant and if you’re from anywhere in the world you’ll probably know her as the fame hungry hussy who’s had an affair with a married footballer, but can’t sell her story and get mega bucks because he’s hidden himself behind a super injunction!

This Z lister is a fully subscribed member to the “famous for being famous” club.  And as with all Z listers she has a dodgy home sex tape, has appeared on the front page of every lads mag out there with her knockers out and been photographed on the arm of many a famous sports personality trying to become the latest WAG, but always failing!

I’ve never liked Imogen – she’s just too try-hard and desperate.  Always chasing the next magazine spread or newspaper cover, setting up photo shoots to make it look like she’s been “papped”, when really, who the hell would be following her normally?!?  She is no better than the kiss-and-tell girls that fill the Sunday papers in the UK with their stories of how they managed to pull a famous football player while out partying in the newest club in London – slags through and through and I detest every single one of them!  But it’s a sad state of affairs when you’ve been famous for 5 years, but not be known for doing anything of note except sleep around!

When news broke a few weeks ago that Imogen had been caught out seeing another footballer, I just rolled my eyes and said “not another one!”  Except this one wasn’t like all the rest, because this one did not want to  linked to Imogen in anyway and got himself to the lawyers quick sharp and got a super injunction to protect him with Harry Potter's cloak of invisibility so we’ll never know who this family man  is!   

But considering she’s gagged and not allowed to sell her story, I’m getting a bit sick and tired of seeing her face pretending to be sad peering down from every glossy magazine out there, on the TV with her crocodile tears, proclaiming that she loved her footballer and thought they would be together forever and ever….. whatever love!  We don’t fall for it one bit!  I’d quite like to know just how much money Ms Thomas has made from interviews talking about a story she can’t ACTUALLY talk about.

I do feel a little sorry for her though – I may not like her, but I do pity her.  Since the “I shagged a married man” scandal hit the headlines her reputation has hit an all time low and could affect her ability to work (if you call turning up to the opening of an envelope work!) How will she pay her bills?  When you’re painted as the scarlet woman all over town, how are you expected to get giggs?!?!?!

POINTLESS CELEBRITY #25 – Imogen Thomas

H x

Who’s The Daddy??? Well, YOU Are Seeing As You Can’t Keep It In Your Pants (Pointless Celeb #24)

Kevin Federline to become a dad for the fifth time?  How come this wasn’t top story on the News At 10?  Oh yeah, that’s right, because no one cares about the Douchebag Daddy anymore!

What amazes me is that despite the fact he looks like a hobo, hasn’t done a days’ work in his life and is known for being a playa, women still find him a catch!  I’ve seen his latest arm candy… she’s a poor man’s Britney Spears, but still a looker none the less!

When he came crashing (or should that be CASHING) into the public consciousness in 2004 he looked like the twat that got the cream on the arm of Britney, but let’s be honest, she only chose him to get back at Justin Timberlake for dumping her!  Had JT and her stayed together K Fed would still be a struggling dancer and would never have made THAT rap album!

I watched the Kevin and Britney reality show ‘Chaotic’ (hell I even bought it on DVD!)  I saw them “fall in love” during Britney’s Onyx Tour.  Even I could see that it was never going to be the greatest romance story of all time.  How the editor didn’t add $ signs to Kevin’s eyes in post production I’ll never know – he’s obviously a better man than me.  If you never saw ‘Chaotic’, it was an MTV show where, for eight 30 minute episodes, Britney became Kevin’s personal ATM and his meal ticket to the big time.  He must’ve been living everyday like he was taking part in the ‘Make A Wish Foundation’ – anything he wanted he got!  Clothes – check, cars – check, holidays – check, record an album – check.  The only thing Spears’ money couldn’t buy him was a bit of CLASS!

What I found funny, was that as soon as Bank Of Britney closed its doors for the last time and kicked his ass to the curb, Kev then decided that he’d like to try his hand at work – funny that!!!  But, it wasn’t as if he went out and got a proper job to help pay the bills – he tried to become a wrestler!!!  I can think of other words beginning with W that can be used to describe Feds, but Wrestler wouldn’t be one of them!

But no matter how big of a dick I think K Fed is, I am thankful to him for one thing – he made Britney more interesting.  Now we know that underneath the blonde hair and boobs there’s a CRAZY ASS PSYCHO just waiting to come out and play.  For that, Kev, I salute you… but kindly crawl back under the rock you came from and disappear.

POINTLESS CELEBRITY # 24 – Kevin Federline

H x

WTF is Vagazzlling anyway?!?! (Pointless Celebs #23)

Dear The Cast of "The Only Way Is Essex"

You’re all a bunch of chavvy, orange, talentless TWATS. 

I will NEVER watch your show. 

Fuck Off.


POINTLESS CELEBRITY #23 - The Cast of "The Only Way Is Essex"

H x

“What a Waster, What a Fucking Waster” (Pointless Celeb #22)

There’s a lot that I could write about Jade Goody, but as she’s dead, I don’t fancy being called heartless and nasty (being called a prick by a Jedward fan once was enough!).  But let’s be honest, her whole family have come from the shallow end of the gene pool.... including her mother – Jackiey Budden.

Much like her daughter, I don’t think there's anything this “thing” wouldn’t do to get in the papers – lesbian, straight, bisexual, coke-head, benefit cheat, bar brawler… You name it, she’s probably done it (and arranged to be snapped by the paparazzi in the process).

What really pisses me off about this oxygen thief is that she has free makeovers and haircuts, free plastic surgery, goes on holiday left right and centre and spends all her benefit money on drugs!  Yes, I know she’s had an accident and can’t work – boo hoo, from the stories that came out when Jade first became famous, Jackiey was a waste of space before the accident so I doubt her nearest and dearest noticed any difference post crash.

Jackiey’s downfall, just like Jade’s, was going into the Celebrity Big Brother house with a chip on her shoulder and a feeling of belonging.  Jackiey – you never have been and never will be a celebrity and you certainly weren't fit to be locked in a house with the legends that you were!  Once a scumbag, always a scumbag.

It’s been just over a year since Jade died, and instead of marking it quietly with her family, Jackiey invited the camera back into her life to film her preparing to get married.  She was happily trying on dresses and cavorting with her fancy man, not mentioning Jade once or seeming in anyway upset that her only child has been 6 feet under for the past 12 months.

As mothers go, I’d say she’s on par with Sue Katona as the shittest mum in the world.  No wonder she’s not allowed to see her grandkids – I wouldn’t want her anywhere near me if she was part of my family.

Jackiey – do us all a favour, crawl back under the rock you seem to hide under most of the time and actually STAY THERE.  I’m sick and tired of picking up the Sunday papers every 5 to 6 weeks to see you’ve sold another story just to top up your bank account.  We didn’t like your daughter, we like you even less!!!

POINTLESS CELEBRITY #22 – Jackiey Budden

H x

Father of The Year Condender? No, No, NO!!! (Pointless Celeb #21)

If your daughter is slowly killing herself on every drug under the sun, the first thing you’d do, as a worried parent, would be to march her ass straight to rehab to get help.  Not, however, if you are Mitch Winehouse.  If you’re Mitch, the first thing you do is ring the press to do an interview!!!

Here is a man who’s happy to sell every skeleton hanging in his family’s wardrobe just to get his ugly mug in the paper.  When Amy Winehouse needed help the most, did Mitch honestly think that talking to Scott Mills on the radio and doing endless TV interviews would help her in anyway?  When she needed a specialist doctor to work with her, why did he agree to make a TV show about her life giving a camera crew access all area to her and also help write a book where he invited the author on holiday to see Amy getting clean?  Simple – cash monies.  With record labels and management teams already treating Amy like a cash cow, surely her Dad would treat her differently and not just see the pound sign above her head?  Nope, I bet talking about her troubles paid his mortgage!

When Amy Winehouse first burst onto the scene she was touted as the hottest new voice in the UK.  She didn’t really talk about her family, only slagging off her dead beat, taxi driving dad through a handful of songs because he’d left her mum.  But when Mitch turned himself into the Winehouse spokesperson he tried to become Saint Mitchell of Southgate, but by then we’d all got the measure of him – a man so desperate to raise his own profile, no member of his family or topic was off limits and everything was shared just for the sake of a couple of quid.

Don't get me wrong, he played the part of the “worried father” quite adequately.  I mean, it’s not Oscar worthy, but to the untrained eye, you can understand why people have said in the past “Ahh, poor Mitch, must be hard having a junkie for a daughter.”  Hell, even I did it for a nano second.  But then my sympathy dried up when it was revealed he’d managed to secure himself his own TV show and released his own album and singles.  Those are not the actions of a man spending every waking moment worrying about his daughter!

Mitch, you are just a cabby who’s sperm produced an alright singer.  Let’s be honest, if we took away the drugs, the criminal ex-hubby, the excess drinking and public brawling we’d probably be sitting here saying “Amy Winehouse who?”, confining her to the one hit wonder bin along with all the rest of them.  All the controversy made Amy more interesting, but it made Mitch seem like a Stage 5 cling-on.  Posing for photo sessions with the paparazzi and turning up to premieres all the while sharing with us what Amy had got up to that day!

Mr W, You are NOT a celebrity.  Round our way you’d be ostracised for selling out your family the way you did – you certainly wouldn’t be hailed a “celebrity”.  Now Amy’s clean I’d like to see how long the interest in Mitch lasts – the number of interviews he’s done has already greatly reduced.  I would love it if he had to return to the black cab from whence he came. 

Mitch, reality’s calling, it’s time to go back to the day job and leave the singing to your daughter.  There’s only room for one Winehouse, and it ain’t you!

POINTLESS CELEBRITY #21 – Mitch Winehouse

H x