"Walk This Way" to the Dole Queue Ladies (Pointless Celeb 29)

Surely I'm not the only person who's getting sick of the Sugababes.

In the beginning, the fact that they were sullen schoolgirls who looked like they were eyeing you up to mug you for your kidneys to sell on eBay was actually a refreshing change to the bubble gum pop that was saturating the charts at the time.

Then the stories of back stabbing and bitching began, the ginger one left and no one really cared, mainly due to the fact that she was replaced by a cute blonde with perky "assets"......

With Heidi in the group their imaged changed pretty much over night from sullen teens wanting to do you in to sex workers wanting to do you for a tenner!  

It's amazing what a Wonderbra and low slung jeans can do for your career, because after the make over they took the charts by storm and had several number one's (even if what they sang was more like a number two).  It's like their navel piercings were hypnotising a nation as they gyrated around on Saturday morning TV miming totally singing live.  

Then Mutya left and it seemed like the band was in fact playing a real life version of Lemmings, disposing of members left right and centre with nothing more than an "Uh oh" as they vanished and another generic, skanky Barbie doll look alike took their place.  

By the time it care to Keisha's exit, the band had just become a parody of itself with old members fighting new members, people pretending to be outraged that yet again someone had been replaced, while most of us just thought "I didn't even know (or in fact care) that they were still together".  


The row over the name was farcical.  As Shakespeare said, "What's in a name? That which we call a rose by any other name would smell as sweet."  Call the Sugababes what the hell you want - it's still going to be bland, paint by numbers rubbish pop!

Yet another skank was enrolled into the hall of fame and the local college was a wannabe beauty student down!

What is sad about the Sugababes Version 4.0 is that because no one cares about them anymore, they're having to resort to dirty tricks to try and remain relevant.  Earlier this week Heidi almost got her boobs out on live TV when the top she was wearing came open.  How original.  Of course it got them mentioned in all the gossip columns and it was put down to a good old fashioned "wardrobe malfunction".  Hey Sugababes, a "wardrobe malfunction" is when the door on my Ikea unit springing open randomly. What Heidi had was a publicity stunt.  

Come on girls, I think it's now time to admit defeat and pack it in.  I'm sure I saw a "Help Wanted" sign in the window of Lidl's that'll be right up your street!

POINTLESS CELEBRITY #29 - Sugababes

H x

Another Wannabe From the House of Big Brother (Pointless Celeb 28)

While out walking round what can only be described as a flea market, I was rudely reminded of this desperado, as one of the stalls there had a massive board with her face gurning down on us mere mortals, selling her perfume for £2 a bottle! Christ, I bet the Marc Jacobs perfume house must be shaking to their foundations and worried about their sales!!!

Once again, a quick look at her Wikipedia page, she's described as a "Media Personality" (which means WTF do you do for your money???) and a "Model". Gracing the cover of Nuts and Loaded with everything hanging out does not a model make!  I believe the term you are looking for is "SLAPPER".  Especially when the story that goes with said cover shot is along the lines of "I done it with a footballer, I'm proper sexy me!"  Yeah, as sexy as Rose West in an Anne Summers outfit, darling!!


She's been lurking in the shadows since 2007 when she entered the Big Brother house, saying she was a Victoria Beckham lookalike, started a "show-mance" with Ziggy (who kind of looked like a David Beckham doll that had been left too near a radiator and had melted).    


After walking out of the BB House and once the magazine deals had dried up (within a week of her exit) she went down the tried and tested route to keep her "Z lister with no talent" status - by banging footballers.  Selling stories on how Generic Footballer #43758 was great in bed and the best she'd ever had.... until Generic Footballer #43759.  Seriously, it's almost like the  Women's Movement never happened.  What ever happened to earning money OFF your own back, not being ON it?!?


She's since had a baby with Generic Footballer #Not Known, and is happy selling stories on how she's coping as a single mum seeing as he didn't even stick around to see her pop out the fruits of his loins.


Since plopping out a sprog, she'd had to lower her standards.  No longer can she party with the football elite, she's been resorted to bumping uglies with Jack Tweed - another upstanding person of the community!


No one cared about her in Big Brother and no one cares about her now.  She can snap back into shape post baby, the fact is, NO ONE WANTS TO SEE IT ANYMORE - we've seen it all years ago before it sagged, the only thing that's new are the stretch marks round your mouth!


Chanelle.... no matter what you think, you ARE NOT a model. You just have tits and a friend with a camera!  If you want your kid to be proud of you, put your clothes back on and get a job in Tesco.


POINTLESS CELEBRITY 28 - Chanelle Hayes


H x

Who Keeps Hiring Kerry Katona?!? (Pointless Celeb #27)

You can always tell the calibre of person by their Wikipedia job description.  When you are called a "media personality" is means people are thinking "what the hell do you do?"  It's no surprise that Kerry Katona is a "media personality".


She's had more scandals than hot dinners - failed marriages, family rows, drug problems, mental health problems, financial problems.  She's been hired, fired and re-hired yet hasn't actually seemed to have changed in anyway.  Which begs the question..... who keeps thinking it's a good idea to hire Kerry Katona?

She burst onto the scene in 1999 as one third of Atomic Kitten, all blonde hair and boobs and not much else.  It soon became clear, and she ever admitted it herself, that she couldn't sing and after 2 years of constant miming she left after getting knocked up by the fat one from Westlife.


What's so annoying about Katona is that when she was crowned Queen of the jungle she had the world (and us) at her feet.  She COULD have done anything, but instead she got divorced and lost the plot.  Yes, it must be devastating when your hubby falls in love with another woman right in front of your eyes, but she's not the first person it's happened to - Jennifer Anniston didn't reach for the Class A's when Brad left her, Kerry, however, did.


The following 6 years were just a car crash of men, booze, drugs, more kids, thousands of pounds worth of body sculpting, bankruptcy and another divorce, all played out on the covers of the glossy magazines, newspapers, interviews and the obligatory reality tv shows.


And there was THAT interview on This Morning.....

The fact that the whole purpose of the interview was to talk about the thousands of pounds she'd just spent on having things nipped, tucked and sucked out of her body just showed how desperate she had become to get her face on the telly.  As she gurned, slurred and stuttered her way through the interview it should've signalled the end of her "career", but it didn't.  If anything, it helped it - she blamed the rambly, shambolic appearance on her medication for her bi-polar and everyone accepted it without demanding a drugs test to see exactly was coursing through her veins.  Surely this isn't the type of person we want our kids to look up to?

I thought Kerry had hit rock bottom when the video of her sniffing something that wasn't talcum powder in her bathroom appeared on the net.  She was dropped from most of her work contracts and no one wanted anything to do with her.  I honestly thought she had finally been kicked out of the celeb coop and was on her way back to earth with a bump - could Poundland be getting a new cashier?  Oh how I wished I'd get her asking me if I wanted fries with my burger or to go large for an extra 20p, but her 15 minutes hadn't quite been drained of every last second and much like a Call of Duty character, she respawned and came back stronger and willing to do ANYTHING!  Chat shows, magazine shoots, game shows and, of course, a reality tv show following her every move.


The thing about Katona is, that despite all this "reinvention" we all know that underneath there's a very "troubled" girl waiting to break out and I can't be the only one who's waiting for her to fall off the wagon because it is going to be monumental!  Until then, looks like we're stuck seeing pictures of Kerry turning up to the opening of the envelope, seeing as she's got no other talent to pay the bills.


Kerry - the poster girl who had it all and lost it all.... and will never get it back!  Be warned kids - drugs aren't big or clever and if you take them you'll end up miming Atomic Kitten sons for the rest of your life!!!


POINTLESS CELEBRITY # 27 - Kerry Katona


H x

Big Brother's Bitchier Sister.....

Big Brother is back!  Read about it here

http://bigbrothersbitchiersister.blogspot.com/

What’s Geordie For “Ideas Above Your Station”?!?! (Pointless Celeb #26)

Oh how I laughed when I heard the “BREAKING NEWS” on the radio that Cheryl Cole had been sacked from The X Factor USA.  Were we all supposed to be shocked that the American’s saw through her Bambi eyes, big hair and dimples and realised that there’s not an ounce of talent running through the Geordie’s veins?!?!

Now before I get hate messages from people demanding I apologise to our “People’s Princess”, I’ll be the first one to admit I USED to like Cheryl.  Out of Girls Aloud, she was always my favourite, but then she seemed happy to trade in her “talent” and carve a career for herself as a victim!

Oh No, her footballer husband cheats on her, she gets lots of public sympathy but takes him back.  He cheats on her AGAIN, and once again people rush to her aid – Poor Cheryl!  Her whole solo career has been based on people feeling sorry for her.  It’s no co-incidence that both albums were released during or straight after it was revealed Ashley’d been caught playing away from home!!

She was bloody awful as a judge on The X Factor – bland doesn’t even come close, but for some reason Cowell seemed to think that the sun shone out of her backside.  Yes she won it twice, but she had the categories that were most likely to win – young boys and young girls!  A monkey in a dress would’ve won if he was given those categories!

You can’t help but think that Cowell didn’t actually want to take Cheryl to America.  He probably said he thought she’d be good on it in passing, but actually had no intention of following it through (come on, we’ve all done it – how many times have you said to someone “We should meet up for a drink” with no intention of ever setting a date?!?). 

You can’t blame Cowell for Cheryl getting fired.  How many of us would’ve accepted a job after months of being messed around, being told you MIGHT have a role but only if Rihanna and Katy Perry and anyone else we can think of turns us down?  HAVE SOME SELF RESPECT GIRL – she should’ve said if she wasn’t first choice then she didn’t want the job! Now Cheryl’s had a massive wakeup call and come back to earth with a bump. The UK may have fallen for her sob story, but the rest of the world doesn’t give a crap – they want to see real talent, which she is seriously lacking! 

Time to go back to the day job and get the other four fish wives out of retirement and get Girls Aloud back together.  It’s funny how all stories of rifts and arguments will now be forgotten now Cheryl doesn’t have any other form of income and they’ll all be loving each other and hanging out trying to fool us into thinking they were BFF’s all along!  And just wait, in a few months Cheryl and Ashley will be reunited and the glossy magazines will be filled with stories of how she only ever wanted to be with Ashley and didn’t ever want to go to America because she would’ve missed him.

Oh and FYI – if you are ever called a “People’s Princess” you should know by now that you are doomed – Princess Diana, Jade Goody and now Chezza’s career have all met the same ending!  But hey ho, all fair in love and showbiz!

POINTLESS CELEBRITY #26 – Cheryl Cole

H x

Sob Story of the Century (Pointless Celeb #25)

If you’re from Wales you’ll know Imogen Thomas for being a fame hungry former Miss Wales, if you’re from the UK you’ll know Imogen Thomas as a fame hungry Big Brother contestant and if you’re from anywhere in the world you’ll probably know her as the fame hungry hussy who’s had an affair with a married footballer, but can’t sell her story and get mega bucks because he’s hidden himself behind a super injunction!

This Z lister is a fully subscribed member to the “famous for being famous” club.  And as with all Z listers she has a dodgy home sex tape, has appeared on the front page of every lads mag out there with her knockers out and been photographed on the arm of many a famous sports personality trying to become the latest WAG, but always failing!

I’ve never liked Imogen – she’s just too try-hard and desperate.  Always chasing the next magazine spread or newspaper cover, setting up photo shoots to make it look like she’s been “papped”, when really, who the hell would be following her normally?!?  She is no better than the kiss-and-tell girls that fill the Sunday papers in the UK with their stories of how they managed to pull a famous football player while out partying in the newest club in London – slags through and through and I detest every single one of them!  But it’s a sad state of affairs when you’ve been famous for 5 years, but not be known for doing anything of note except sleep around!

When news broke a few weeks ago that Imogen had been caught out seeing another footballer, I just rolled my eyes and said “not another one!”  Except this one wasn’t like all the rest, because this one did not want to  linked to Imogen in anyway and got himself to the lawyers quick sharp and got a super injunction to protect him with Harry Potter's cloak of invisibility so we’ll never know who this family man  is!   

But considering she’s gagged and not allowed to sell her story, I’m getting a bit sick and tired of seeing her face pretending to be sad peering down from every glossy magazine out there, on the TV with her crocodile tears, proclaiming that she loved her footballer and thought they would be together forever and ever….. whatever love!  We don’t fall for it one bit!  I’d quite like to know just how much money Ms Thomas has made from interviews talking about a story she can’t ACTUALLY talk about.

I do feel a little sorry for her though – I may not like her, but I do pity her.  Since the “I shagged a married man” scandal hit the headlines her reputation has hit an all time low and could affect her ability to work (if you call turning up to the opening of an envelope work!) How will she pay her bills?  When you’re painted as the scarlet woman all over town, how are you expected to get giggs?!?!?!

POINTLESS CELEBRITY #25 – Imogen Thomas

H x

Who’s The Daddy??? Well, YOU Are Seeing As You Can’t Keep It In Your Pants (Pointless Celeb #24)

Kevin Federline to become a dad for the fifth time?  How come this wasn’t top story on the News At 10?  Oh yeah, that’s right, because no one cares about the Douchebag Daddy anymore!

What amazes me is that despite the fact he looks like a hobo, hasn’t done a days’ work in his life and is known for being a playa, women still find him a catch!  I’ve seen his latest arm candy… she’s a poor man’s Britney Spears, but still a looker none the less!

When he came crashing (or should that be CASHING) into the public consciousness in 2004 he looked like the twat that got the cream on the arm of Britney, but let’s be honest, she only chose him to get back at Justin Timberlake for dumping her!  Had JT and her stayed together K Fed would still be a struggling dancer and would never have made THAT rap album!

I watched the Kevin and Britney reality show ‘Chaotic’ (hell I even bought it on DVD!)  I saw them “fall in love” during Britney’s Onyx Tour.  Even I could see that it was never going to be the greatest romance story of all time.  How the editor didn’t add $ signs to Kevin’s eyes in post production I’ll never know – he’s obviously a better man than me.  If you never saw ‘Chaotic’, it was an MTV show where, for eight 30 minute episodes, Britney became Kevin’s personal ATM and his meal ticket to the big time.  He must’ve been living everyday like he was taking part in the ‘Make A Wish Foundation’ – anything he wanted he got!  Clothes – check, cars – check, holidays – check, record an album – check.  The only thing Spears’ money couldn’t buy him was a bit of CLASS!

What I found funny, was that as soon as Bank Of Britney closed its doors for the last time and kicked his ass to the curb, Kev then decided that he’d like to try his hand at work – funny that!!!  But, it wasn’t as if he went out and got a proper job to help pay the bills – he tried to become a wrestler!!!  I can think of other words beginning with W that can be used to describe Feds, but Wrestler wouldn’t be one of them!

But no matter how big of a dick I think K Fed is, I am thankful to him for one thing – he made Britney more interesting.  Now we know that underneath the blonde hair and boobs there’s a CRAZY ASS PSYCHO just waiting to come out and play.  For that, Kev, I salute you… but kindly crawl back under the rock you came from and disappear.

POINTLESS CELEBRITY # 24 – Kevin Federline

H x