My claim to fame is that I went to school with Gavin Henson, but it’s always swiftly followed by “he was a dick back then too!!!”
The wannabe Ken doll who looks like he gets his tan straight from a tin of Ronseal! For someone who was touted as having a “promising career ahead of him” in school, he’s turned into the poster boy of What Not To Do.
Years ago, Gavin only ever wanted to play rugby. He always wanted to be a famous player and would put in hours of practice on the rugby pitch. While the rest of us would be sneaking off to smoke inbetween classes or to partake in some under the jumper over the bra groping with the boy toy of that week, he carried on playing - he didn’t give a toss because he didn’t want anything else. It still seemed to be that way when he was picked up by The Ospreys, Lions and Wales team years later. Everyone was saying he was destined for “great things”….. that was until Charlotte Church waggled her fanny in front of him, when it all went out the window and he pressed the self destruct button on his career;
STEP 1 : Bang Charlotte Church
When they first met, Miss Church was known as a party girl. Drinking all day and night, taking drugs, fighting in clubs and spewing in the gutter - the type of girl a focussed, health freak would avoid at all costs. Her vagina must be filled with cat nip or heroin, because it seemed like Gavin was hooked on her chavvy charms and in a matter of MONTHS she managed to derail his career with her IT girl lifestyle!
STEP 2 : Party Hard, Train Little
It doesn’t take a brain box to figure out that you CAN enjoy a few beers every now and again, but to keep at your peak fitness level, you have to train harder. It’s no massive surprise to anyone (except Gavin it seems) that when he started to take his eye off the ball and concentrate more on where his next bottle of beer was coming from, he started to get injured – groin, Achilles tendons, not to mention his general fitness levels dropping to that of a 40 year old larger lout! If only he had watched Grange Hill. He would’ve learnt to say “No”, just like Zamo!
STEP 3 : Think You Deserve To Live The High Life
When you’re a sports star, you know that the time you have in paid employment is quite limited. Age DOESN’T work in your favour. Younger, faster and better looking players come up behind you ready to steal the hearts of the girlie fans. So when you can make money, you have to make lots of it to set you up for life.
Why did Gavin think he deserved to go to award ceremonies and glitzy nights out and expect to be treated like a VIP? You are just a bloke who throws and kicks a funny shaped ball around a pitch – you AREN’T a celebrity!!! If anything, you're a hanger on.
By acting like a twat at every given opportunity, Gavin lived up to the stereotype people already have that the Welsh are fuckwits high on Stella! I hope he enjoyed the high life while he had it, because I’m pretty sure the doors that opened for him when he was Charlotte’s plus 1 have now been slammed shut in his face!
STEP 4 : Agree To Go Without Pay From Work
When you or I injure ourselves and have to take time off, we do everything in our power to get back to work as soon as possible. If that means exercising morning, noon and night with specialists, I’m pretty sure we’d do it. Gavin, who had the best physiotherapists at his disposal, decided to have a rest and take months and months off. And when they took his money away, instead of giving him the kick up the arse he needed to get back to shape, he turned himself into a house husband, relying on Charlotte to support the family.
As soon as that happened I predicted that the Henson-Church union would hit the skids. No woman wants to have the burden of supporting her family entirely on her shoulders. Don’t forget, we’ve been programmed to think a knight in shining armour is coming to protect us, care for us and pay our Visa bills! No one wants to date a loser who can’t even afford to shop at Lidl!!!
STEP 5 : Turn Yourself Into A Laughing Stock
After sitting on your arse for over a year unpaid, when you are fit enough to return to the pitch, surely you’d want to pull your jersey on and show everyone who had you marked as a “has been” they were wrong. Apparently not. Apparently what you think is, “Should I add feathers or sequins to my lycra trousers this week?”
I’m still struggling to understand why Gavin’s manager put him up for a stint on Strictly Come Dancing and why the hell Gavin said yes!! I know coming out of a relationship can make you act a bit crazy, but the craziest I’ve ever been is eating a whole tub of ice cream by myself in less than half an hour. Never once did I want to eye up a tutu and start the tango!!! What was he thinking??????
I do find it funny that as soon as Charlotte kicked him to the curb and cut him off from her bank account, he was suddenly fit enough to play rugby again!
Gavin has turned himself into a living joke. It doesn’t matter where he plays rugby, we’ve all seen how he fell from grace and why. When the press makes you out to be a bigger dick than the anti-Christ that is Charlotte Church, you know you’re in trouble! There is nothing he can do now to get his career back on track.
I hope the few years of living the high life in someone else’s shadow was worth pissing your career away! Remember, “Bro’s before Ho’s” Gav – because as you’ve found out the hard way, none of us are really worth it in the long run!!!
POINTLESS CELEBRITY #14 – Gavin Henson
H x
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